Static: A Party Girl’s Memoir
Episode 5 transcript
Chapter One: Calgary to Byron Bay [00:00:00 – 00:22:19]
[thumping upbeat dance music plays — “Like a G6” by Far East Movement. Vocals: “Poppin’ bottles in the ice like a blizzard/ When we drink, we do it right, get slizzered…” Sounds of a crowd at a bar. Music fades and continues under Ashley’s voice]
Ashley [a young, female voice — inner thoughts]
What the fuck? This club is shit. Why is it so dark? Where's Brittany and where the hell is the bar? Oh, there it is.
[stumbling sounds as Ashley slams into the bar]
Ashley [to bartender]
Hiiiiiiiiii!
[the sound of the bar quiets while Ashley is deep in thought]
Ashley [inner thoughts]
That is the hottest bartender I think I've ever seen. Like, ever in my entire life. Like a sexy man muffin. Or a himbo. Or a Brad Pitt DILF. He could be in a crotch novella, you know, like a romance novel for your vagina? He's totally checking me out.
[the sounds of the bar come back into focus]
Ashley
Excuse me. Can I get another? What? Water? No, I don't need hydration. I'm like a cactus. I can survive on tequila alone!
[sounds of clanks and crashes]
Ashley [inner thoughts]
Oops. Sorry there, little coasters. I didn't mean to knock you over. You're like little surfboards for my drink. Hang ten little buddies!
You know what’s funny. Me? I'm so funny. And cute. So funny and cute. And slizzered… I’ll grow on him.
[thumping upbeat dance music continues. Vocals say, “Now I'm feeling so fly like a G6/ Like a G6/ Like a G6…” ]
Ashley
This is Static: A Party Girl's Memoir — written by me, Ashley King. Before we go any further. You should know that this is a true story. Yes, it actually happened! Though I may have changed a few things to, you know, save some reputations and not get in the way of a good story. Let's head back to me being a little bit extra at the club.
[“Like a G6” transitions into another upbeat dance track, “Levels” by Avicii]
Ashley [inner thoughts]
What is this music, my friend? Next song. This music is killing my cute drunk vibe. EDM techno shit. Why does this bar smell nice? Where's the nostalgic smell of stale beer, sweat and regret? It's so fresh. Oh my God. I wonder if they're pumping oxygen in here. That's why I feel so good… like a warrior party princess! (laughs)
[music continues. Ashley and friends chant “Drink! Drink! Drink! Woo!”, sound of heels on dance floor]
Ashley
I love this song. This is so my song! I love EDM techno shit! What was I saying? Oh, yeah. I want to make out with somebody tonight. Is that guy hot? Is he? Should I just go, like, make out with him? Just, like, walk up and do it? Should I do it? Oh, I need another drink first. And a straw. Could somebody get me a goddamn straw up in this bitch?
[music thumps/ Ashley says “Shots? Shots… Shots! Let’s do shots!” Lots of wooing and glass clinking as the music fades out]
Ashley
It's been scientifically proven that adolescents and young adults are more prone to excessive risk taking. The frontal cortex or some shit… the decision-making part of the brain isn't fully developed until age 25. Age 25! Can you believe that? That's a long-ass time to make some poor-ass choices. If I was 18, then I would have… um, five, six, seven… SEVEN more years to keep on being a dumbass! Yeah.
I'm Ashley. And today, in the year of our Lord, it is 2024 and I am 32.
[upbeat dance music starts: “Party Rock Anthem” by LMFAO]
But for the sake of the story I'm about to tell you, it is 2011 and I am 18. So, prepare to hear a tale unlike one you have ever heard before.
It's 2011. My jeans are skinny. My bangs are parted to the side. My Blackberry is my third arm, and it's Friday night and I'm drinking mini jugs of vodka slime.
[music vocals” “Party rock is in the house tonight/ Everybody just have a good time…” Ashley gives out a woooooo!]
I'm in that liminal space between high school and university. I pretty much had it all figured out. A young, mature adult making some pretty big adult decisions. I thrived for attention and acceptance. Like Tinker Bell, I would die without it. So remember to laugh and clap for me always.
[crowd clapping and cheering. Ashley giggles]
Oh my God, STOP! Okay, okay, okay.
Anyways, back then, I had been called boy crazy once or twice, but I preferred boy… enthusiastic?! I wasn't irresponsible, I was carefree, I wasn't reckless, I was spontaneous, and I wasn't a ho, I was just fun. Duh. If I'm being honest — and isn’t that the whole point of this whole thing — I had a pretty… uneventful life growing up. Well, that is, except for my overbearing Mexican Nazi mother.
[sound of thunder rumbling, and the beginning of “Como La Flor” by Selena plays, a romantic, almost saint-like tune]
Carolina [older female voice]
Aie, Ashley. Don't be dramatic!
Ashley
Okay, Tequila Carolina — cut the whole saint crap. All TEN of your siblings told me how you snuck booze at your quinceañera.
[Carolina makes Aie! sound of disapproval]
Ashley
I guess she's always been strict. It just got a lot worse once I got to an age where babies could exit my vagina. I'm not kidding. She was a real cock block.
Carolina
Hey! [sound of a record scratch, music cuts abruptly]
Ashley
At five feet, she may be tiny, but don't let her size fool you. She's got… La Chancla on her side!
[Ashley laughs and she and Carolina make whooping noises]
Wait. That's racist. Not all Latino women wave a sandal in the air and viciously beat their child with it. That is such a stereotype. My mom would definitely use a cleaning product instead. Have you ever been slapped with a rubber glove?
[a rubber glove slaps, and Ashley gives a little yelp]
In this Mexican household, it's not child abuse, it's parenting. But I'm only half Mexican, so the whole “traditional Latino establish your parental dominance thing”... Yeah, it didn't really work on me.
Don't get me wrong, I love being Mexican. The food's pretty good, the parties are even better, and we've got an immediate family that could rival a small village. But there are just some things I will never understand. Like how my mom can be so superstitious and religious and just straight up fucking weird. I'm not even kidding. It's like the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit all have reserved seats at her dinner table. She's always letting her decisions be guided by her “feelings” and her “intuition,” oooooooo!
Just because your flickering candles or prayer beads or some shit told you not to let me leave the house for the week… didn't mean you should listen. Loser.
[Carolina shuffles over]
Here she comes. You'll see what I mean.
Carolina
Wait. Esperate! I can clean unless I have mi musica!
[A cassette tape starts to play “Bidi Bom Bom” by Selena, an upbeat latin rhythm. Carolina sings along while she sweeps]
Carolina
Andalaepuees! Oooo!
Aie, aie, aie, cochina. Oof, she's such a pig! What did I do to deserve this? When I was her age, I was a wonderful girl. Not like Ashley. I did my chores. I was good at school. I never stayed up late, and I never talked to boys. Well… maybe not never. (laughs)
[sound of a harp, suggesting past memory]
When I was 23, I saw a bruja. A woman who knew things other people didn’t. And she told me, “You will marry a man with bright blue eyes, and together you will have one daughter.” And he had the biggest, brightest blue eyes I'd ever seen. Oooo, he was my destiny!
[Ashley says “ewwww!”]
[romantic mariachi music plays, sounds of a busy bar come in]
Carolina
I met Ashley’s dad at Valentino’s in Mazatlán, Sinaloa, on Valentine’s Day, 1989. He sent me a drink from across the bar. I thought he drugged it — no eso esta drogado! — so I sent it back. But he didn’t give up. He came over and I think asked me to go on a date with him? I don’t know because I didn’t speak English and he didn’t speak Spanish. Hm!
I didn’t think I’d ever see him again. But then this crazy gringo rented a car and drove up and down the streets of Escuinapa until he found me. Used one of those paper maps and everything. It's muy romantico, no?
We sent love letters to each other, and we needed dictionaries to write each other’s words of affection. [a paper rustles] He wrote:
Male voice
Mi amor, te extranas mucho. Quiero soy Contigo. Te amo.
Carolina
Oooo! He was 18 years older, but it was love. He wanted to marry me, to bring me to Canada. He was a loco crazy gringo. Pero, maybe I was crazy too, because I left everything I knew in Mexico for him.
Iyeeeee, que locura, we were so crazy! (sighs) But now he's fat and old, and I've moved on.
[harp sounds, end of romantic music]
Carolina
I've been in Canada for too many years now. When I first came, I couldn't find a job as a nurse. But I was hired as a nurse's assistant, which is fine. My monkey was even born there.
Ashley
[clapping to get attention] Are you seriously still doing your monologue?
Carolina
(laughs) Si, si, and I still have three more pages.
Ashley
Oh my God. Okay, well, can you hurry it up? This is supposed to be about me.
Carolina
Ay, que nina! Que nina! She thinks I don't understand her, but I do. I had my moments… I was just better at hiding it.
She needs to learn responsibility. She's always leaving things to the last minute.
[Ashley starts to mimic Carolina as she speaks]
Always late. Always missing her phone. And her purse. And her keys. And her shoes. How does someone lose their shoes?! Aie, aie, aie, aie.
[Ashley sighs in exasperation]
Carolina
The chaos that follows her, mmm, that girl is cursed!
[Carolina sweeps]
I tell her I clean your room. Come home on time. Eat less tortillas.
[Ashley, insulted, exclaims “oh!”]
And she rolls her eyes at me. Always never listening to me like my words are not importantes.
[sad music plays]
Pero, it's about teaching her responsibility, making sure that one day, when I’m DEAD, she’ll be okay to take care of herself without me. (dramatic crying)
[sad music builds into thunder]
Carolina
I've done everything to give her the life she has, and she has no idea how easy her life is.
[Carolina sweeps]
¡Hay esta niñita tan gringita! She doesn’t even speak Spanish. Chingada. The only one out of 73 grandchildren who can’t speak to her abuelita. I tried to teach her as a baby, and you know what she did?
NADA! NOTHING! She just stopped talking all together. For weeks. Months. YEARS! We had to take her to a doctor… What kind of Latino kid doesn’t speak Spanish!? Even then she was disobeying me. Sometimes I wonder if this is my karma... from when I smoked. My sins coming back to haunt me. That’s why I need to pray.
[Carolina strikes a match and lights some candles]
Oi! San Judas Tadeo, El Patrón saint of lost causes, te pido cinco minutos por favor...
Ashley
It smells like a dirty church. Stop!
Carolina
San Judas. Por favor, protect this girl from all evil that lurks in this world... y boys, y drogas, y embarazo —
Ashley [interrupting]
And so I said — Can I borrow the car?
Carolina
No!
Ashley
(sigh) Can you ask the Virgin Mary if I can borrow the car?
Carolina
No.
Ashley
Why?! You're so unreasonable.
Carolina
You know what I drove in Mexico? Nothing! I didn't drive nothing.
No driving in Mexico. I took the bus. I rode the bike. I walked in the sun —
[sad music, the sound of footsteps crunching on gravel, buses, a bike bell]
Ashley [interrupting]
— with all the cartel behind you, pew pew pew!
Carolina
No, no, no, no, no! Why do you say things like that? When do you think of Mexico, do you only think of the cartel?
[Ashley enthusiastically says “uh-huh!”, and after a beat the Mexican national anthem begins to play]
Carolina (stern voice)
There is more to Mexico than the cartel. We are more than some drug dealing narcos. We are a country of hard workers —
[Ashley goes “ugh” and yawns]
Beautiful, hardworking people, resilient people who have fought for everything. We have fought for independence and for a better life for our children and our grandchildren and —
[sound of a record scratching; the music and Carolina’s speech are interrupted by Ashley]
Ashley
— And can I borrow the car?
Carolina
No! You can walk.
Ashley
What?! But mom, no one walks anywhere anymore, that's peasantry. And busses… ewwww.
Carolina
I don't trust you. You'll crash your car just like the last car!
Ashley
That wasn't even my fault!
Ashley [internal voice]
That was totally my fault.
Carolina [walks away]
No mas. Ask Britney to drive. She's a good driver.
Ashley
As if! Britney drives like a total bimbo who should never reproduce. Ugh!
(pauses)
Britney is my best friend. Everybody loves her. She's kind of like… like… like….
[Instrumental version of “Milkshake” by Kelis starts to play]
Stick thin, at 5’9”… weighs, like, 90 pounds… Has beautiful, long blond hair, porcelain skin, adorable freckles, perfect teeth… She's like Barbie, but prettier.
Ashley [as Britney]
Ash! I read somewhere that bulimia makes you lose 10 pounds in 10 days. I need to lose six for Saturday. Hm. You could probably lose 12! (laughs)
Ashley
And then there's me, this 5’1”, stubby looking baby-faced Mexican. A pot belly and muffin top I can't lose. Braces that only just came off, and teenage hormonal acne that won't fuck off and, and — oh wait, my tits are way better though. My tits are fantastic! She's got these flat little weird raisin things that are quite unfortunate.
[sad trombone sound]
Anyways, it doesn't matter because Britney's always gotten whatever she's wanted. She's had this superpower that honestly, I've always been in awe of. If you were a guy, you wanted to sleep with her. If you were a girl, you wanted to sleep with her. If you were me, you wanted to spend all of your time with her.
Ashley [as Britney]
Ash, have you gotten your bathing suit for Australia yet?
Ashley
Ew, no.
Ashley [as Britney]
Oh my God, Ash, don't be so dramatic. Nothing can ruin our gap year abroad, not even your muffin top! (laughs) Australia is going to be perfect.
Ashley
Great! A bathing suit, on a beach next to you, wooo!
I was excited for Australia, I really was… Just after I lost 12 pounds and figured out how to tell my mom.
[in a singsong voice] MOM!
Carolina [from other room]
Que?!
Ashley
Come here!
Carolina [from other room]
You're not driving the car!
Ashley
Ugh, just come!
Carolina [shuffles in]
Pero, I'm watching my telenovela. The one with the evil twin.
Ashley
They all have evil twins. Literally all of them.
[Carolina starts to walk back to her show]
Ashley
Wait, what? Oh! Come back! Oh, shit.
Carolina [turns back toward Ashley]
Aie, look at you. You're looking like la Tia Gorda.
[Ashley exclaims, insulted]
Carolina
Que paso?
Ashley
Sooo… I've been meaning to tell you — (pauses for effect) that I'm moving to Australia. YAY!
[sounds of twinking and angelic choirs singing. Ashley notices Carolina is silent, and starts to talk faster and faster]
Oh, okay… So it's only going to be for a few months, and we've already started saving, and we maybe have somewhere to live, and we might even have somewhere to work. It's basically all planned. Really, I'm not asking you, I'm telling you, because this is a first world country and I have rights and autonomy… And I'm just letting you know that this is my plan. Really, I’m being considerate of your feelings because you have a lot of them. And I really need a new bikini. So can I borrow the car?
[pause as she waits for Carolina’s reply]
Carolina
¿Qué te pasa? ¿Estás loca? Me vas a dejar sola?
[sounds of rumbling thunder grow as Carolina’s voice gets louder, echoes]
Australia es muy lejos! Ni se te ocurra... Que niña más bruta! Jamás lo voy a permitir! Esto es ridículo. No vas a ir a ninguna parte. Te voy a encerrar, vas a volver a la iglesia y vas a aprender español!
[sound of telenovela-style DUN DUN DUN! while thunder crashes]
Ashley
Huh?
Carolina
No!
Ashley
No, I can't borrow the car?
Carolina
No, you're not going to Australia!
Ashley
Actually, I kind of am…
Carolina
No no no no, you're not allowed to buy a ticket, and I'm not giving you your passport!
Ashley
Ooo, actually, I already did (laughs)
Carolina
I don't like this.
Ashley
Oh, mom. Come on, you're overreacting. It's not a big deal. And I've been an adult for, like, four months now.
Carolina
I have bad feelings about this. Bad, bad feelings about this.
[Carolina walks away, slams door]
Ashley
So is that a yes for the car?
Carolina [from other room]
NO!
Ashley
So, she wasn't thrilled. But I was an adult now and she would get over it… eventually?
[upbeat dance music comes in — “Levels” by Avicii — with crowded bar sounds]
Ashley (slightly drunk)
Can I get a straw? Can someone get me a goddamn straw up in this bitch?
[the sound of the bar quiets while Ashley is in thought]
Ashley [internal voice]
Have you seen this service here? One after another after another after another… Connect me to an IV and save yourself some time!
[slurping sounds, glass placed on bar]
Ugh, I hate vodka OJ. At least this is free. Wait, is this free? Who's paying for this?
[background, Britney says, “Ash, do I look hot? Ash, let’s go talk to those boys”… the sounds of the bar come back into focus]
Ashley [puts her glass on the bar]
Another one! And can I get a goddamn straw?! (pauses) Oh (giggles) thanks.
[Music fades into sound of airplane taking off, ding inside airplane cabin. Flight attendant: “Thank you for joining us on our flight today as we head to sunny Sydney, Australia…” Sounds of the plane fade into digeridoos, ocean waves crashing, seagulls… then upbeat hip-hop music — “Go Girl” by Pitbull]
Ashley
Ahhhhh! Australia was the shit!
[music vocals: “I party like a rock star, look like a movie star…” glasses clink, champagne bottles pop and pour. Britney says, “Bitch, catch up!”]
Ashley
Beaches, beers, booze and BOYS. So many boys! Bronzed skin, bleached hair, banging bods. It was unreal. [glass clinking] We were schmoozing with professional athletes, partying on super yachts [fog horn], and we even made it on a reality TV show! Girls Gone Wild….? (laughs) No, I'm totally just kidding. But I did make out with that dirty skateboarder, Bam Margera!
[record scratch, music cuts out]
No? Anybody? Whatever. He was cute back then, OK?
[sad trombone sounds, then new upbeat dance music — “Rock This House (Instrumental)” by Anthem of Rain. Sounds of crowds and camera flashes]
I made it on a red carpet. Yes, a red carpet with Robert Pattinson and Reese Witherspoon! I can't make this shit up!
It was so weird, wild and wonderful. We based ourselves in a backpackers’ haven, Byron Bay [ship bell]. There was a lighthouse that looked like a dildo. A guy who brought his pet duck to the club [quacking] and nobody ever wore shoes. I was basically a hippie! (laughs)
And there were just SO. MANY. BOYS.
[sound of whistling, catcalls]
From everywhere! England. Ireland. Spain. Italy. Montreal. So many, in fact, that we had a hard time keeping track. Yeah, so hard that we that had to get a world map — you know, for our fuck flags? Every penis you … [unintelligible gargling]… you stick a little flag up from where they're from. Bin it or pin it! Seize and conquer! Pin them down, and then pin it up! The more unique the penis, the more valuable the flag [twinkle sound and Ashley laughs]
We got to be whoever we wanted. Total yes girls! We spent our days flirting at the beach and then our nights flirting some more while we bartended at the surf shack. Guys, this is what backpacker dreams are made of! It was amazing. We were like some kind of booze-babe-party-princess-queens!
[dance music has faded out. A small pause, and then a new song starts with a drumroll — “God Save the King” — as Ashley continues her monologue]
Well, obviously there can only be one queen, so that was Britney. But I was a princess! And we took our little booze float all through Australia just waving and everybody just saying, “Hello. Hi. We're so cool and popular!” And Britney drank from her chalice, because I guess I didn't get one, but it was all bubbly champagne just going down her face and down to her throat, and all the way down her little titties and down to her little belly and on to her little toes…. where there was me, on the ground, just slurping up all of her glitter and her sparkles and her sunshine and BOOZE!
[Ashley starts to get angrier, louder]
And you know what? You know what? Everybody liked ME! Yeah, they all wanted to be my friend! They all thought my accent was so cute. And all the boys, they all wanted my phone number, and they all wanted to see MY vagina. And did I tell you that I walked the red carpet?!
[“God Save the King” swells to a close. Silence. Ashley catches her breath]
Ashley
Excuse me. (takes a big breath)
If I was being honest with myself, I was starting to get more confident. Yeah! It might have been Britney's idea to come to Australia, but it was going to be mine to stay. That's right, I wasn’t going to go home anymore! I wanted to see more — more of Australia, more of the world, more of Asia and Europe and — oh my God, New Zealand, and oh my God, BALI!
[harp music and angelic choir]
But first I had to tell my mom.
[phone ring tone]
Carolina [voice through phone]
QUÉ!? What do you mean that you’re going to Bali? And then New Zealand?? No, no, no, no. You’re not going anywhere, especially not to Bali! WHO EVEN IS BALI!? What do you need to do in Bali that you can’t do in Australia? Is that near China? Why —
Ashley [interrupting]
— So that was a yes to Bali?
Carolina [voice through phone]
No, you're not going to Bali.
Ashley
Ugh, mom, you're overreacting. It's not a big deal. And besides, I'm not asking ya, I'm telling ya. What are you going to do? Fly over with La Chancla?! You hate flying. And besides, I'm an adult now.
[sound of static starts to fade in]
Carolina [voice through phone]
Ashley, I have bad feelings about this. I don't think you should do this.
Ashley
Mom, It's fine. Everything's going to be fine —
[beep beep beep — the call drops]
Mom! Mom? Hello? Blackberries… what the fuck…
Hello? Hello? Oh, whatever. I'll call her back later.
[text notification]
Oh my God! Britney! The guy with the curved dick from Jamaica just texted me back! I don't have that flag…
[upbeat dance music returns — “Levels” by Avicii]
Chapter Two: Byron to Bali [00:22:20 – 00:38:09]
[sounds of a busy bar fade in]
Ashley (drunk)
Can I get some ice in this? Why is there never any ice in this? Why doesn’t anyone fucking do ice anymore and where the fuck is Britney?! — Oh!
[the sound of the bar quiets while Ashley is deep in thought]
Ashley [internal voice]
Oh my God, forget that last bartender, he looked like a baked potato. But this bartender — this bartender is ripped. I'm so going home with this bartender. Let's do this, Javier!
Wait, Ashley, is that a good idea? What do you even know about Javier? Is that even his name? I don't think it is. He looks like he could be a Javier, though. No, wait, a Juan Pablo! Or maybe a Steve? Steve looks nice enough. He can't be a murderer with a smile like that. Or muscles, or hair…
[sounds of the bar come back into focus]
Ashley
Hey, Juan Steve! Can I get some fucking ice and a side of you in my drink? (laughs)
[dance music transitions to sounds of airplane — a flight attendant says, “Please return your seats to an upright position as we begin our descent into Bali” … into the sounds of an airport, Ashley running to catch a cab, yelling “Taxi!”, and dropping her bags into a car]
Ashley
Party district, please!
[sounds of the radio in the cab, driving sounds, muffled street sounds. The car stops]
Ashley
Let's eat, pray, love, bitches!
[Ashley opens car door and the full cacophony of the city hits]
It was 10 p.m. and we had just landed. The party district of Kuta was alive! Bumpy roads… narrow streets… cars rolling inch-by-inch and nonstop traffic… It wasn't a one way, or two way, it was in an any which way street. Scooters with babies and families of five and goddamn chickens went by!
There were fluorescent signs lighting up the district as if it was daytime. Oversized billboards advertised world class deejays and parties of a lifetime. Shops and stalls cluttered the sidewalks, selling rip-off Ray-Bans and fake Prada handbags. And it was hot… So muggy, hot and sweaty.
Balinese locals, Aussie tourists, global backpackers all cluttered the sidewalks. The Hangover had nothing on this shit show. Everyone was belligerent, puking, screaming, crying, stumbling, shouting… and there were just so many boys!
(screams excitedly) Let’s do this!
[dance music comes in, with a strong ominous beat — “Empathy” by Crystal Castles”. Ashley is writing in her journal]
Ashley
Dear diary. It's day one and we are officially in Bali!...
I don't know how she got me to do this shit. She was like:
[in Brit’s voice] “Oh my God, Ash, let's get best friend tattoos — binding our friendship together forever! They'll be like little treats on our cookies, little treasures of the sea… Don't be such a bore. It's not like anyone's going to see… unless you get drunk and flash your potato again!” (laughs)
And then the next thing I know, I woke up and looked down and there was a tattoo of a clam on my clam… which I guess is better than crabs?!
[Britney laughs; Ashley back to writing in her journal]
Ashley [sounding less excited than day one]
Dear diary, it's day six…
[knocking on door]
Brit, Brit, do you feel okay?!
[more knocking]
Brit, I think I have it too. I think it's called Bali Belly. I think it's from that street sushi you made us eat.
[sound of toilet flushing from other side of the door. Ashley starts knocking with more urgency]
Come on, Brit, hurry up…. Come on, if I don't shit it out, I’m gonna puke it up…
[sounds of dripping water, like in a cavern… get louder and more urgent]
Oh…. Oh, no! Oh, no! It's happening… it's happening. It’s a... POO-NAMI! Ohhhh…
[a pipe groans and thunder roars; back to sounds of Ashley writing in her journal]
Ashley [even less enthused]
Day 17…
Britney is seriously driving me nuts.
[Brit interjects — Ash! Ashley!]
She has run through all of her money… Expects me to pay for everything…
[Brit interjects — Ash, buy me a drink!]
And she wears my underwear that I hand wash… and she uses my only razor to shave her asshole… and she went home with the guy I was talking to first!
[Brit interjects — Oh, my God, you're so dramatic!]
I hope he enjoyed my lavender-scented communal thong!
[Ashley writing in her journal]
Ashley
Day 21…
[slightly lisping as she talks]
Ugh, Britney, you don't remember dancing last night? We were on those tables and you were whipping your head back and forth like a fucking orangutan! [sound of a big bang]
You headbutted me in the mouth with your stupid forehead!
(sighs) How extensive do you think it's going to be to get new teeth in Indonesia?
[Ashley writing in her journal]
Ashley [sounding like she’s given up]
Day 28…
[Skype ringtone, call connects]
Hello? Hello — hello? Is this world Mastercard? Oh thank God! Oh, thank God, you have no idea how stressful this has been. I have been sitting in this internet cafe all day long, running through all of my Skype credit with no AC. Listen, I'm going to New Zealand in a couple of days, and my friend Britney lost my wallet with all of my cards, and I need you to send me new ones. I just need you to…
[Skype dropped call tone]
Hello? Hello?! Oh noooooo….
[Ashley writing in her journal]
Ashley
Day 35.
[ominous background music that’s carried the montage fades into sounds of a busy bar]
Ashley [as Brit]
Oh my God, Ash, it's not that big of a deal. Your new teeth are, like, way cuter anyways… I can't believe you're leaving me.
Ashley
Brit, you'll be fine. I'm only going to be gone in New Zealand for a few weeks, and then I'll come back and meet you in Australia.
[Ashley finishes writing in her journal and slams the book shut]
I was finally leaving that asshole country. Everything that could have gone wrong in those last 35 days… did. One more night and then I would finally be off to New Zealand.
Oh, and I was going by myself — thank God. Britney had somehow managed to spend all of her money on hair dye and scratchcards… Like, what? Anyways…
[inspirational music fades in — “Dreamwave Electronic — Revolution” by Alex Productions]
… It was silly, but I was kind of proud of myself. I never thought that I would be brave enough to travel to a whole new country all on my own. A few months prior, I would've been way too scared to do that — but I had just grown so much since then. I was sure this was going to be the first of many, many solo adventures. It was only the beginning.
One day, I would laugh about those last few terrible weeks in Bali — some day in the very distant future. But I had one more night left in Bali, so I might as well make the most of it, right?
[inspirational music transitions to club music — beat drops — “Levels” by Aviccii plays]
Hey, can I get a vodka OJ, please? Oh, and served in plastic water bottles… perfect for spill-free dancing!
[sounds of the bar — crowds, clanking glasses, Ashley and friends chanting “Drink, drink, drink!”… throughout the dance music, cheering, and clinking, Brit and Ash chat — “Ash, how’s my hair look?” — “Brit, where’s my purse?!” — “Ash, let’s go talk to those boys…” — “Let’s go dance” — giggles, woos, and more laughing…
As “Levels” music builds and then fades into an airplane taking off, a ding in the plane cabin… a flight attendant says, “Unfortunately, a bit of turbulence as we land in Christchurch today — thank you for your patience!”
The sound of static starts to fade in, overlapping with a slightly slower and more laboured-sounding version of “Levels”]
Doctor 1
The owner of the hostel dropped her off.
Doctor 2
What's her name?
Doctor 1
Ashley King. She's a Canadian tourist.
[sounds of static and airport sounds give way to heartbeats and a heart monitor]
Doctor 2
And what's the patient's status now?
Doctor 1
She's hypertensive and tachycardic. Both pupils are dilated at six millimetres and her vision is deteriorating.
Doctor 2
Her symptoms indicate late-stage metabolic acidosis.
Doctor 1
Her breathing has worsened since she arrived. She's critical. We may have to intubate.
[sounds of static grow, dance music returns, slower and more loopy this time. Brit, in faraway echoey tones, calls “Ash! Ash?! Ashley!”…]
Doctor 1
Her blood gas is back. It looks like poisoning — it might be methanol poisoning.
Doctor 2
Ashley, can you see me?
[sounds of glass clinking — from far away, Brit says “Bitch, catch up!” while Ashley exclaims “Shots! Shots… Shots?” Ashley and Britney’s laughter floats through the mix of sounds]
Doctor 2
Can you see me? Ashley?!...
[hospital sounds become more prominent]
Doctor 1
We can test for methanol in her blood, but the result won't be back for hours.
Doctor 2
Page ICU and have them prep for dialysis
[heart monitor starts to go faster, while the dance music fades back in, even slower. In what feels far away, Brit tells Ash they should go talk to those boys, and Carolina’s voice — over the phone — tells Ashley she doesn’t think she should do this]
Doctor 1
They're ready for her.
Doctor 2
Have we reached her parents yet?
Doctor 1
No, we're still trying.
[wonky dance music fades into hospital sounds, with a fast-beating heart monitor beeping]
Doctor 1
Ashley, it's very important that you drink this. It's vodka and orange juice — like a screwdriver, but a lot stronger. It's not going to taste very good, but it's important that you drink it and drink it quickly.
[sound of static increases, as glasses clink, and Ashley slurps on a straw. Ashley throws down her glass and yells “ugh… Another one!” Her voice echoes as the dance music builds, along with her and Brit’s laughter]
Ashley [internal voice, drunk]
Why does this bar smell… nice? Where’s the nostalgic smell of stale beer, sweat and regret? (laughs) It smells so fresh. Oh my God, I wonder if they’re pumping oxygen in here. That's why I feel so good… like a warrior party princess! (laughs)
[Ashley’s laughs echo as the dance music gives way to the sound of static and a quick-beating heart monitor]
Ashley
Wait… wait. This isn't a bar — is this a hospital?
[heart monitor beeps faster and faster, to a flatline that fades into the crackle of static… Slowly, from the static, a steady heart monitor beat returns. A fluorescent light turns on, with its ambient hum]
Ashley [quiet, distraught]
They say I'm lucky. That I should be… thankful — thankful to be alive.
My doctors say that it was methanol poisoning, and that the methanol should have killed me. They say that I was poisoned in Bali on my last night, in a drink, by homemade alcohol I was illegally served.
The methanol took a few days to metabolize. 36 hours. By the time I got to New Zealand, it was turning my blood into an acid. My own blood was killing me, until I couldn't breathe, and then I couldn't see. My doctors gave me ethanol — alcohol— because your body will stop metabolizing the methanol and instead breakdown the alcohol. The drunker they caught me, the more I could breathe, the more I could see. It slowed down the poisoning long enough so they could give me new blood.
[fluorescent hum fades; a phone receiver is picked up]
Doctor 2 [through the phone receiver]
This is Dr. Wu — am I speaking to Mrs. King?
[heart starts to pound]
Carolina
This is my fault. Es mi culpa. I shouldn’t have let her go. I knew this was a bad idea. Yo sabia. If she would have stayed home, she would have been safe. Safe with me. Here.
I can't lose her. She's my monkey. The thought of... (cries out) No! No no no no no no no no… CAROLINA!
She’s going to be okay, ella va a estar bien, ella va a estar bien. And you’re going to save her.
[phone receiver clicks down; fluorescent hum returns]
Ashley
They say if I made it to a hospital there, if I was hospitalized in Bali, I would be dead. But I was alive because I made it to New Zealand. The only one apparently poisoned.
I can't make out my doctors’ faces. They're blurry objects, each shape sweeping into the next. They’re beating around the bush.
Slowly, they begin to explain to me how the methanol made its way to my optic nerves. How the tissue in these nerves is incredibly delicate. The electrical cord to my brain, they say, like a TV that's lost its connection. My brain and eyes are fine, but not the court that connects them. Their metaphors suck.
[fluorescent hum fades into airplane taking off, sounds of the plane cabin]
Carolina
Por favor, Dios Mio, por favor, don't take her away from me. I — I'll do anything. Just let her live, let her be healthy.
[airplane cabin hum fades back into fluorescent hospital hum]
Ashley
It didn't matter what they said, because all I heard was that I was blind and they didn't know if I'd ever see her again.
Why? Why did this happen?
I miss my mom. It had been months since I had seen her. In the airport when we were saying goodbye, her little body was shaking, trembling so much from crying. I said, you're so embarrassing, mom! I was such an asshole. All she's ever done is be there for me. And all I've ever done is push her away.
But in that moment, all I needed was my mom.
[sound of static builds]
I thought I was this adult, out in the world, out of my own. Who was I kidding? I may as well have been a little kid. I was hurt and scared and alone, and I didn't know what was going to happen to me.
Carolina [from doorway]
Monkey?
Ashley
Mom? Mom?! Mom!
Carolina [shuffles in toward Ashley]
I'm here, monkey.
Ashley
Mom! Mom!
Carolina
I'm here. You're safe. I didn't know for 15 hours flight if you were alive. But thank you God, thank you God. Ay no mas. You're okay, and… and now I'm here and you're fine.
Ashley
I don't understand… How are you here?
Carolina
Here. I just knew you had to be okay [rustling sound as she hands something to Ashley]. I saw them in the airport.
Ashley [fumbling the wrapper]
What's this?
Carolina
Oh, right. Sorry, monkey. It's an O’Henry bar.
Ashley [holding the chocolate bar]
Oh. Mom…. my eyes… I can't see this —
Carolina
— I know, I know, I know. Let's go home.
[sound of static builds]
Chapter Three: Home [00:38:10 – 01:00:54]
[click on of a light; the hum of fluorescent lighting]
Ashley
We went home after that. Saw more doctors, did more tests.
Doctor
Can you see the bottom line on that chart, Ashley?
Okay, what about the top line? The big E?
Let's try this. Ashley — how many fingers am I holding up?
Ashley
It didn't matter. I had failed all of the tests. The doctors said that majority of my eyesight was gone and that they didn't think it was going to come back.
Doctor
I'm so sorry, Ashley, but I don't think there's anything else we can do.
Ashley
That was when they prescribed me antidepressants. What did they know? My eyesight might come back. Days turned into weeks as I sat in the guest room of my mother's house — because, of course, she rented my room to a Mexican exchange student.
[Mexican music comes up on radio — “La Chona” by Los Tucanes De Tijuana]
I thought this was all just a bad dream I was going to wake up from. But then those weeks turned into months and nothing was changing. It was like my own Groundhog Day hell. Every day I'd open my eyes, hopeful that something had changed, hopeful that I had gotten my eyesight back — but I didn't get it.
I could see in my dreams — perfect colour, vivid images — but I’d open my eyes, remember where I was, back in hell.
This couldn't be it. I couldn't be… blind? Blind people acted like — they looked like — they didn't look like me.
Carolina [shuffles into the room]
Andale pues, monkey. Today's the day! Today you are going to get out of bed… and let's get you out from under that dirty blanket. Levantate! C’mon!
(Ashley says “no!” wrenches duvet, fights Carolina)
It's sunny outside!
(Ashley continues to pull blanket and groan in disagreement)
Ashley
Maybe I was depressed. The stupid antidepressants weren't working.
[hum and static fades in]
What if I forgot what I looked like? Would I ever know if someone was smiling at me ever again? How would I know? Oh my God… who would ever love someone who couldn't see?
[static transitions to the Mexican music on the radio from before]
Carolina
Monkey, look what my friend Marco from work gave me… It's called the Lourdes water, from France, and it's supposed to help your eyes. I think it's Holy water. He said he used to wear glasses and after drinking the water, he doesn't need them anymore… (fades under Ashley)
Ashley
Would I ever seen other sunsets? What about all the places in the world I hadn't traveled to yet? And God, what would everybody say about me? There's that weird girl who went blind. She's probably deserved it.
No, no, I wouldn't tell anyone. I would lie. Yeah, I would tell him that my eyesight was coming back and that it was just taking awhile to heal. Or I'd say that I couldn't see because I wasn't wearing my contacts. Or I had Lasik! Or that I just didn't drive at night, oh… anything but the truth.
Carolina
Did you see all the carrot juice that I bought? There's three big jugs of it in the fridge, four more in the pantry and ten more in the garage. It’s good for your eyes!
Ashley
I didn't want to have to depend on other people for help. I didn't want to be a burden.
Carolina
Are you eating those almonds? They're good for your eyes, and they keep you skinny….
Ashley
I didn't want to be some inspirational blind bitch. That wasn't going to be my story.
Carolina
Monkey! We should go see Father Jose to cleanse your eyes. Oh, yeah. He has us in his prayers….
Ashley
I didn't want people to pity me, to cheer me on just because I got out of bed.
[radio and static builds, then fades away as Carolina walks in]
Carolina
Monkey, come watch this movie with me! It's called “The Secret”. I know, it's not a telenovela, but we can learn about the Law of Attraction.
Ashley (under her breath)
I'm going to attract my eyesight back? What?
Carolina
Come, come. Vamos Ashley!
[Carolina tried to pull duvet off of Ashley; she holds on]
Ashley
No! … No! Stop! Stop! Mom! Leave me alone!
Carolina
Aie, no Ashley. Come on, let's get dressed and leave this room!
Ashley
This isn't even my room. You rented out my room to Voldemort, the Mexican exchange student.
Carolina
His name is Valdemar, and he's very nice. And you are not supposed to be here.
Ashley
I don't care. I miss my room, and my job, and driving…
Carolina
Didn’t I tell you? Someone stole the car when you were in Australia. [Ashley asks, “What?!] Yes! It's not parked out front. Didn't you see?
Ashley
No, I didn't see! Oh, you don't get it, mom. You just don't get it.
Carolina
I'm trying to help you, but I can't help you if you don't let me.
Ashley
I don't need your help — unless you can fix my eyes, go away! I just miss my old life.
Carolina
Aie, Ashley, don't be dramatic.
Ashley
No, mom. You heard them. All the doctors, the specialists, the way they apologized? They apologized because they know going blind is the worst thing that could ever happen to somebody.
Carolina
Monkey, that's not true. That's not the worst — the worst would be… being ugly.
Ashley
(groans) My life is over! The nerves in my eyes are dead. Not recovering. Not sprained. Not healing. Dead.
Carolina
Aie aie aie aie aie Ashley. I'll help you and you'll be fine.
Ashley
I don't want your help! I don't want to be here in this room, in this house, in this place… and UGH!
If I have to be blind, I want to do it… in Australia. Yeah! On a beach, drinking boxed wine with my own pet duck. Living my old life!
Carolina
A beach and a duck?! (huffs) Don't be silly, you know you can do that.
Ashley
Fuck it. Screw it. Why not? What am I gonna walk into on a beach? (in a silly imitating voice) “What’s on the beach?! I'm blind! I can't on the beach!” (laughs)
Carolina
Ashley, no! You can't run away from this. You need to accept what happened to you.
Ashley
I am going to accept it. I'm going to accept it back in Australia
Carolina
Aie, Ashley, that's not what I meant. You need to keep seeing doctors here. Maybe get an eye-seeing dog and I'll help you learn how to use a cane.
Ashley
Oh my God, I am never using a fugly cane.
Carolina
How are you going to cross the street? This is why you need my help.
[bell rings as if the start of a fight; a male announcer says, “En esta Esquina, Tequila Carolina…”]
Ashley
I don't need your help. And I'm never using a cane, ever!
[another bell; the announcer says, “En esta Esquina, la gringa Ashley…” Faraway sounds of a crowd fade in, as does a light techno beat]
Ashley
I'm going back to Australia, back to my old life, back to where I had no problems.
Carolina
What if we went on a trip together, you and me? We could go somewhere like… Edmonton.
Ashley
Oh my God, I don't want to go anywhere with you! [sound of a wrestling hit]
Carolina
Aie, because I am so bad?
Ashley
Why do you think I left here in the first place? To get away from you. [another hit]
Ashley (starts to backpedal on her last comment)
Come on… You did the same thing to your mom.
Carolina
I never did anything like that to my mother.
Ashley
Sure you did! You're the only one of the ten kids that left Mexico. At least I didn’t leave because I was fucking some guy for three months. [more hits]
Carolina
I fucked him for six months. [a drop and hit]
Ashley
EW! God, at least I actually had a life in Australia.
Carolina
I do have a life, too. And it's cleaning up after you.
Ashley
No, it's not. All you ever do is suffocate people.
Carolina
That's not true. Valdemar is very grateful for everything I've done for him. Why can't you be more like him? [hit]
Ashley
Yeah, and you'll suffocate him too — just like you did to dad, and now me. I'm going back to Australia. [hits]
Carolina
No, you're not. You're stupida, you can’t live without me!
Ashley
You're stupida!
Carolina
You are the stupida, you are going to stay here with me and with Valdemar.
Ashley
I hate you… and stupid Voldemort…and this place… and UGH! [more hits]
Carolina
The more you hate me, the more I love you.
Ashley
Whatever. I'm going back to Australia, and I don't care what you or anyone says, and I don't need your fucking help. [drop and slam]
Carolina
I should have left you in New Zealand! (huffs)
Ashley
I wish you had. Maybe if I didn't want to get away from you so badly, none of this would have ever happened.
[the announcers goes “ooooh!” and a big whoosh and build up to the knockout hit. The crowd sounds get louder; a count to three as the referee hits the mat. The announcer says, “Nosotras tenemos una ganadora” and a final bell tolls as all of the fight sounds fade away]
Ashley [talking to the right]
And I'm never using a cane.
Carolina [standing on the left, snapping her fingers]
Over here… right here…
Ashley [turns and walks toward Carolina]
UGH! And I'm never using a cane!
[Carolina gives an “aie!” in exasperation and walks away, firmly closing a door]
Ashley
UGH! Fuck you! I don't need you, mom. I had Britney. Yeah.
Hey, Siri, call Britney.
[Siri says, “Calling Britney mobile”… it goes to voicemail, with Brit in a bad Australian accent saying, “It’s Britney, bitch — Leave a message.”]
Ashley [at the beep]
Hey, Brit! I'm not like, sad and lame anymore. I know I said I need you here, but I'm good now. Really! Call me back. Bye.
[static starts to fade in as layers of calls, beeps, and voice messages from Ashley build up over each other…]
Ashley [after the beep]
Brit, call me back! I've called you, like, a billion times. I know I said I needed you here, and that it was hard and it was difficult… But I'm like, better now. Kind of. But I'm coming back to Oz! Yay! Call me.
[one last echoey, “It’s Britney bitch, leave a message”… then silence… then a notification ping.]
Siri
Text message from Britney.
Hey, Ash. Sorry. It's been a while. I've been so lost on what to do about my situation.
Ashley
YOUR situation?!
Siri
When I heard all your voicemails, I was so distraught. I just prayed to God for hours. I've even gone so far as to start wearing crystals so that I can be there for you. I know you want me home, but Australia is a once in a lifetime opportunity. But I don't think it's a good idea you come back here either. I'm so sorry, but I don't know how to take care of a blind person. Miss you! XO.
Ashley
What?! Whatever. I didn't need her.
Siri
Would you like to reply?
Ashley
Siri, delete message.
I had other friends. Yeah! Better friends. And I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I'd show her. Nothing had to change. I was going to keep on living my life just like I always had. Booze, boys, parties and fun. Fuck you, Britney! Mom, I'm going to the club!
Siri, play my getting ready mix.
[Tinny music comes on — “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. Vocals: “It might seem crazy what I’m about to say…”]
Ashley
Fake lashes… Okay, here we go. So… a little bit of glue. Stick it to my eye line. Fuck. How do you know if they're straight? Okay, I think that's okay…
Okay. Bronzer… Shit. Is this foundation or is this bronzer? Okay, whatever. It's a little bit more here… A little bit on my forehead, oh and a little in the cleavage for a little bit of definition.
(smacks lips) Lips, lips. I need lip liner. Shit. Is this eyeliner or lip liner? Okay, please don't be black… please don't be black. Okay. Line my lips a little bit, and it's a little like that… Okay. Lipstick. (smacks lips) That's good. Very Taylor swift. Okay. Okay! Sweet. I look cute.
[Ashley walks and grabs keys and a bag]
Booze, boys, parties and fun. Nothing had to change!
Except I couldn't drive anymore… so that did change. But I was able to sign up for this free taxi service. Yeah, it meant all of my taxis were free! No more bussing to the club, no more getting my mom to drive me, no more worrying if I had enough money for a cab at the end of the night… This was bad enough, it was about time I got some perks out of this! So tonight I booked a cab to take me to the club. And I looked cute! Ooh, I was ready. It'd be here any minute now.
[“Happy” gets a little louder as Ashley waits]
Any minute now.
[Ashley paces a bit]
Any minute now.
Being late is cool!
[music continues to play]
Fuck! [stomps] What the fuck is this damn cab! I swear to God, if they're not here soon, they're going to be hearing a complaint from ME!
[a vehicle approaches]
Ashley
Oh, I think it's here! Is it a yellow or a white cab? Ooo, or maybe a black sedan…
[sound of vehicle is closer]
It's a what — it's a HANDIBUS?!
[bus stops and a small horn honks]
A HANDIBUS?! There’s no way I'm getting dropped off at the club in a handibus! Abso-fucking-lutely not. Oh fuck that. Fuck! Damn it! Fuck! Oh!
Ashley (pauses, then says sweetly)
Mom…Can I get a ride to the club?
Carolina [walks in]
Okay, monkey, okay. [grabs keys] Vamanos!
[Ashley and Carolina leave the house and get in the car. Carolina mutters to herself in Spanish as she starts the car and puts on a CD. An instrumental version of “Baila Esta Cumbia” by the Guitar Tribite Players starts, and Ashley goes “ugh” under her breath. Carolina starts driving.]
Ashley
I tried to fit in, to be a normal 20 something, but all I could ever think was what is everybody saying about me? My social anxiety was at an all-time high. I tried to cope with it, usually by drinking too much.
On one messy night out, I told a friend that she didn't deserve to see. On another night, I threw a drink at a friend's face. Things like that happened more often than I'd like to admit. I was just so angry and sad, I didn't know how to cope with it. I stopped getting invited to things. Birthdays, girls’ trips, festivals… I guess people just didn't want to take care of me. Or I guess they just didn't want to be around me. Could I blame them? I didn't really want to be around me. either. Every day was getting harder than the last, though.
The final straw was the taxi incident. I was meeting a friend at the bar…
[the car doors open to the sounds of a busy street and music thumping outside of a club]
Carolina
Aie, aie — Horses and Divorces! Are you sure this is a bar?
Ashley
Yes, yes, this is it.
Carolina
There's so many people. How are you going to find your friends?
Ashley
I’m fine, mom. It's fine. Just go — just go, I can do it.
Carolina (sounding concerned)
Okay…
[Carolina walks away]
Ashley
The plan was that I would call my friend when I got there, and she can't say to meet me. I called when I got there. I called her, but she didn't answer. I called again and she still didn't answer. But then my phone rang and it was her. She said she had left and gone to another bar. She wanted me to walk there and meet her. But I couldn't do that.
I should have said no. I should have said that I couldn't do that, I didn't know how to do that. But that wasn't what I said because I didn't want to be a burden. I said, ‘Sure, I'll walk and meet you!’ Then my phone died.
I didn't know where I was going. Was it one block to the right and then two left or two to the left, and then one right? Shit. Fuck!
[Ashley starts walking down the street as the sounds of the crowd and traffic slowly get louder]
I started walking, stumbling in my stupid heels as I slowly tried to make it through crowds of drunk, belligerent people. I thought just a little bit further, a little bit further, and I would be there. Then I got to a crosswalk.
How would I know it was my turn to cross the street? I listened for the sound of cars — for the sound of cars coming. I didn't hear any. I was sure it was safe to cross the street. I was sure it was safe to walk, but it wasn't.
[a car screeches, a loud impact and the sound of the street is gone, replaced by a ringing tone… then a woosh as the sounds of the street come back. The driver, a male voice, yells, “What the fuck are you doing?!”]
Ashley
I got hit by a cab.
Driver
Watch where you're fucking going! [honks horn]
Ashley
He stopped only long enough to yell at me before driving away.
[the car drives away as crowd sounds intensify. “Blind drunk”/ “Are you OK?” / “Get off the road!”]
Ashley
Bystanders on the street shouted at me as if I was some drunk belligerent girl who just stumbled into the road. I said I'm not drunk, I'm blind — I'm blind from methanol poisoning! But it didn't matter because they didn't believe me.
[a piercing drone sound as the crowd gets louder… a mix of voices and sounds, mixed with the hits from Ashley’s earlier fight with Carolina.
“Drunk bitch” … Doctor saying “Ashley, can you see me?” … Ashley saying “Who would ever love someone who couldn't see?”… Carolina saying “You are the stupida! I should have left you in New Zealand”… a notification ping and Siri saying “I don’t know how to take care of a blind person”… Doctor saying “I'm so sorry, Ashley, but I don't think there's anything else we can do.”
At the final doctor comment, a big hit and the crowd and street sound disappear to a ringing tone]
Ashley
I wanted to die in that moment. I wish that taxi had just fucking killed me.
I couldn't do it anymore. It had been years by this point. I was trying to accept it, I was trying to move on, I was trying to accept being blind — but what if I just never accepted it?
God, you don't want to keep on hearing this. This sob story, it’s pathetic. You probably wanted to listen to an inspirational story? Yeah, I don't know how to do that. Do you think it's my fault? You probably think that I deserve this. I bet you think that I wish it happened to Britney — that Britney was poisoned instead of me. You probably think that I should have come home for my trip when I was supposed to. That I should have listened to my mom.
Maybe it would just be easier if I wasn't here. For you and everybody else. Yeah, yeah — it could all just end here, the story could just end here. I wouldn't have to do it anymore. Yeah. You would understand. My mom would understand... Right? Right?
[a dreamy synth sound with static fades in and grows louder… then transitioning to the fluorescent lights and machines of a hospital. Carolina wheels Ashley in a wheelchair]
Ashley
You know I can walk, right?
Carolina
Yes, but this is more fun! [a small ding as the wheelchair hits something metal]
Do you want me to read your Bible passage from this week? It's John 12:48.
Ashley
No, I'm fine, thanks.
[Carolina lights a cigarette and takes a drag]
Ashley [sniffing]
Is that… do you smell… Are you smoking?!
Carolina
No, no! (pauses) Maybe. (excitedly) Can you see that?
Ashley
No, I can't see that, I can smell it! Mom, you can't smoke in a hospital.
Carolina
Oh. Oops…
Ashley
And since when do you smoke?
Carolina
It's new. And I only do it when I'm stressed.
Ashley
(realizing she’s likely the cause of stress) Oh. (pauses)
Um, you know, the nice nurse said that only hot girls go to psych. Madonna, Spears, Lohan. But I don't actually feel very hot right now. I actually feel kind of stupid.
Carolina
Aie, no, you're not stupid. Oh, I saw they had O’Henry at the vending machine, and I bought them all for you, monkey! Here, all for you! (laughs as the chocolate bar wrappers rustle)
Ashley
Thanks…
[machines continue to beep, Carolina flips through a magazine]
Mom?
Carolina
Si, mija?
Ashley
I don't want to be here.
Carolina
Your doctor said we can leave soon. They just have to do some more tests and —
Ashley
— No, that's... that's not what I mean.
Carolina
You mean you want to be back in Australia?
Ashley
No, I don't want to be anywhere.
Carolina
[closes and throws down magazine] Aie monkey, don't be dramatic.
Ashley
Mom, I'm serious. I can't live like this. I thought I could figure it out, and I thought I could do it, but I just.. I just can't.
Carolina
But you don't have to do this alone. I'm here. I can help you.
Ashley
No, mom… mom…
Carolina
No, you're going to get through this. We are going to get through this.
You're not alone. I'm here. Don't give up. Keep on trying!
Monkey, you can do this. You're strong. Escuchar, escuchar. You are resilient.
Please just keep trying. Por favor, monkey? For me?
Que necesitas, que puedo hacer?
I'd give you my eyes if I could.
[Carolina starts to pray]
Ashley
Can you get me a blanket?
Carolina
Si, si monkey, of course!
[Carolina runs down the hall to find a blanket]
Ashley
I felt like such a dick. She was trying so hard, but it wasn't what I needed. I don't even know what I needed. I needed someone to tell me that it was okay that I wasn't okay, and that what had happened to me was incredibly shitty and it never should have happened and… that it would be okay if I never accepted it.
But she was never going to say that. She truly believed I was going to be okay. She wanted to keep on fighting, keep on trying…
I don't know. Maybe… Maybe I could try for her.
[sound of static builds]
Chapter Four: Where Next? [01:00:55 – 01:22:09]
[knob turns on the static; it turns to “Conga” by Miami Sound Machine, with the static continuing]
Ashley
Shit. What does trying to even look like? Okay. Well, first things first. I know I wanna be a hot bitch, so I need to learn how to do my makeup. Second, I want to go back to school. Maybe I can become an actor? Or maybe I could just get a job. Oh, I want to live in a cute condo with stainless steel appliances and a view. What? Just because I'm blind, I don't get a fucking view?! (pauses)
Oh, what else? Oh! I want a pet duck. I know it's weird, but I’d keep a real good eye on him. Get it?! (laughs)
What else? I'd wanna ride camels… I'd wanna to climb mountains… and I wanna be happy.
Oh, and I want to be fulfilled, so I need to get myself a boyfriend!
Okay, mom, I'm ready to try!
Carolina [shuffles in]
Okay, monkey! I got this from Marco from work. His mom used these when she was getting blind from old age… I don't think the Holy Water helped her, either.
[Ashley gives a sassy, knowing “mhmmm”. Carolina walks in further, and talks to herself in Spanish as she sets up the TV and VCR.]
Ashley
Oh Jesus Christ…
[TV Static turns into a gritty, VHS tape sound, with cheesy 1908s music playing]
Video host
Oh, hello! I didn't see you there… because I'm blind!
If you're watching this, you're probably blind, too. But don't feel bad for us. I live a wonderful life, contribute to society and engage with my community. So join me on this adventure. And together we can discover life after vision loss. Say it with me!
[Carolina says “LIFE AFTER VISION LOSS!” along with the host while Ashley quietly says “Oh God” under her breath]
Now, for today's session… We're going to learn how to send an email. [Ashley: “An email!”]
How to use a microwave to cook for yourself. [Ashley: “Oh fuck no…”]
And how to match colours for spiffy outfits.
Ashley
No. [stops the tape] I'm out. I'm out! That guy sounds blind and constipated.
Carolina
His picture is on the front and he's actually quite handsome. Oooo, see?! See?!
Ashley [mimicking Carolina]
See?! See?! Well, he sounds like he's never seen a vagina in his life.
[Ashley starts to walk away]
Carolina
Where are you going?
Ashley [in other room]
To try something more fun!
[Ashley walks back in with a makeup bag and rummages through it]
Ashley
Ooh! Siri, make a new voice note — rubber band on the black eyeliner… Scrunchie elastic on the red lipstick by Ruby Woo by Mac…umm… Two ponytails on the blush stick… and a donut sticker on the bronzer. Okay.
Okay, mom, I'm ready for you to test me! I won't look.
Carolina [shuffles in]
Ah! So is this Sabado Gigante or what?
Ashley
I don't know what that means. Just quiz me.
Carolina
Okay… Okay. [rummages through bag] What's this?
[Sabado Gigante theme song starts to play — classic 80s game show music]
Ashley
Um… Black eyeliner.
Carolina
Yes. Yes! [Ashley cheers, “yes!” and a bell dings]
Okay… And… and this?
Ashley
…Lip liner, not eyeliner.
Carolina
Yes! [Ashley cheers, “yes!” and another bell dings]
[more bag rummaging] And what about this?
Ashley
Oh…. (thinking) Um…. It's pink blush by Tarte!
[The bell chimes again while Ashley and Carolina cheer, and an audience starts to cheer and applaud while Ashley giggles and goes, “Ohmigod, STOP!” Crowd and music fades]
Ashley
Then it was time for me to find a hot boyfriend.
[texting sounds, then a notification. A random online guy with a deep voice asks, “What's your favourite kind of date?”]
Ashley
Blind date!
[more texting sounds. Fade in sultry bossa nova music — “Girl from Ipanema” by Kenny G. Random online guy: “What's your unexpected talent?”]
Ashley
Ummm… Oh, doing shit with my eyes closed, mmm!
[more texting, another notification. Random online guy: “You're looking for...”]
Ashley
Ummm… Oh! Six foot… six pack… six figures… six inches. And 20/20 vision!
[Tinder match notification]
Ashley [gasps]
I got a match! Mom, come quick — is this guy hot?!
Carolina [shuffles in]
Aie, no no no no… no no no no no! Look at that — he's too hairy!
Ashley
What about this picture… Does it look like… six inches?
Carolina
Hmm… more like two inches.
Ashley
Oh! Oh, no, I’m gonna unmatch that one…
[music fades, a door slams as Ashley walks in, drops a bag and goes, “ugh!”]
Carolina
How was the blind support group?
Ashley
Oh, it was fine, it was fine. It was the same. There were cookies and people were nice and chatty and whatever… but mom, I got to tell you about this guy that was there. Ugh, he was such a wet blanket! Such a Debbie Downer! I was like, come on, dude, come on... let me try and make you smile a little. So I was like, “Hey, Rob. Robbie. Can I call you Robbie? It ain't so dark… Come on! Hashtag YOBO! You're only blind once, that's the motto, Robbie… YOBO!
[Ashley is singing along to an instrumental version of Drake’s “The Motto” … a bit off-key as she woos with a flourish]
You know, like the Drake song?
[silence from Carolina as the beat continues to play]
Okay, okay… He didn't get it either, but that's not the point. The whole point is he thinks everybody hates him because he's blind… They don't hate him because he's blind, they hate him because of his sucky attitude! How is he so blind to that? Ugh, thank God I was nothing like him.
[Carolina gives a big huff as a record scratch stops the music]
Mom, I was nothing like him! Mom! Oh shit… was I?
[scene transition — the sounds of “La Chona” by Los Tucanes De Tijuana on the radio while Ashley rummages through cupboards and drawers]
Ashley [with a bit of a lisp]
Mom! Mom, have you seen my textbook? I think it's like blue with, like, I don't know, words and pages in it?
Carolina [shuffles in]
Why did you even need a book if you can’t read?
Ashley
I don't know, the university made me buy it! But come on, my ride’s going to be here soon.
Carolina
Monkey, why can’t I just drive you there?
Ashley
This is my first day of university, mom — I’ve got to do this on my own.
[sound of phone vibrating]. Oh. Oh, I think they're here. I think they're here. I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go, I gotta go…
[sound of something rattling in a glass]
Carolina
Los dentes! Don't forget your teeth!
Ashley
My teeth, my teeth… uhhh… Oh my God, my teeth! Oh my God. Oh…
[Ashley grabs them from the class and clips them into place. She is now speaking more clearly]
Okay, okay okay, okay. I'm good. Okay. I'm going, I'm going, I'm going. Bye! Bye!
[Ashley runs out the door with a loud close]
Carolina
No no no no no…. Aie, ouie! At least she didn't forget her soul… [she sweeps the floors] Aie, que nina.
[the sounds of the radio fade into a gong and meditative music]
Carolina [shuffles in]
Ashley, I'm going to the store. What do you want for dinner? I'm thinking tamales.
Ashley
No, no, no, I've already ordered dinner.
Carolina
What? You can do that?
Ashley
Yes, there is an app for everything! Food, tampons, makeup… You can all have it delivered, mom.
Carolina
Wow, wow, wow… Are you sure you don't need anything?
Ashley
No, no. I'm good… (breath) I'm just practicing my anger management (breath) breathing.
Carolina
Okay, I guess I'll go watch mi telenovela.
[record scratch — the meditative music stops]
Ashley
Wait, is it the one with the evil twin?
Carolina
Si! But the evil twin is now pregnant with Carlos’ baby.
Ashley
WAIT! I thought Carlos was having Maria's baby.
Carolina
No! The evil twin… killed Maria!
[thunder claps, with a dramatic DUN DUN DUNNNN!]
Ashley
So Maria is dead?!
Carolina
Yes!
Ashley
Maria’s dead! (they both laugh with glee) Let's go put it on… and make sure you translate everything they say.
[the theme to “Corazon Salvaje” swells, transitioning into the next scene. Carolina shuffles into the room and turns off the TV playing the telenovela.]
Carolina
Monkey, I got you something.
Ashley
One second… I am knitting a scarf and I've got one more … stitch.
[sounds of light metal rustling and claws on a floor]
Carolina
Okay, but you are going to want to!...
[Carolina makes excited sounds as a small animal does as well]
Ashley
What is this? Oh, my... Oh! It's a dog!
Carolina
It's not a duck, but his name is Ducky and he's from Mexico.
[the dog continues to move around]
Ashley
Wait — is this a seeing-eye dog?
Carolina
No, no, don't worry, it's just a dog.
Ashley
Oh my God, it's a dog! (pauses) You remembered… [sounds of dog playing]
This is so much better than bringing a duck to the club. Oh my God, it's a dog! [in a baby voice to the dog] Ducky! So cute! Look at your little ears…. Oh my God! Look at that lil face…
[Ashley cooing over Ducky fades into the sound of rustling and a zipper while packing a bag, and a phone notification sound]
Siri
Lahni Davies has requested to be your friend.
[Ashley taps her phone]
Siri
Friend request accepted.
[Ashley keeps tapping her phone over and over, and Siri glitches: “Open message. Open message, open message….”]
Ashley
Come on! Mom, mom, can you help me read this?
Carolina
What is it?
Ashley
A message from somebody on Facebook.
Carolina
I need my reading glasses. Where are they?
Ashley
Mom — your head! Your head! Look on your head! Mom, we can't both be blind…
Carolina
Aie, si, si, si, si. Okay.
[Carolina starts to read the message which turns into Lahni’s voice]
Hi, Ashley. My name is Lahni Davies. I saw the video of the speech you gave talking about your experience with methanol poisoning. I'm so sorry that happened to you. Last year, I lost my son, Liam, to the same thing. He was in Bali on vacation with his friends. He was one of seven to be poisoned that night. He went to the local hospital, but they didn't know how to treat him.
By the time we got him back from Bali, he was on life support and had gone blind. Three days later, we had to turn his life support off, sadly.
Liam was a builder and a motorbike rider. If he had woken up blind, his whole life would have changed. I know like you, he would have been very angry, but I was willing to fight for any part of my son. Thank you for sharing your story and, most of all, for making it as a beautiful, gutsy woman. Never stop.
(long pause)
Ashley
Wow.
Carolina
I know how she feels.
Ashley
Yeah… yeah.
Carolina
Are you sure you still want to go on that trip?
Ashley
Yeah. Yeah, I am. [continues packing]
Carolina
Ashley, but you're safe here, and I can help you —
Ashley
— Mom, mom… you can't hold my hand forever. I'm 26. I'm not some blind bimbo.
Carolina
What's a bimbo? Like the white bread?
Ashley
It’s… uh… (pauses) It doesn't matter. [more packing]
Carolina
I worry about you, monkey, even if you weren’t blind!
Ashley
I know
Carolina
You give me grey hairs.
Ashley
I know.
Is it because you hate me? I can give you more space —
Ashley
— No, mom, I don't hate you. I'm just an asshole. Usually to you… Sorry.
Carolina
I can change… or I can come with you and help —
Ashley
— Mom, you don't need ato change. I just need to do this on my own.
Come on, it could be good for us! Maybe you could, like, date or something…
Carolina
[huffs, pauses, then sounds a bit excited] Maybe?
Oh, Ashley, when you pack, remember, don't fold — always roll, roll, roll… [Ashley chimes in as Carolina says] More space, less wrinkles!
Ashley [puts in a last item and zips up the bag]
Yeah. Thanks. Who knows? Maybe I'll even learn how to cook.
Carolina
[makes a sound of disapproval] Don't be stupid.
Oh, and you'll ask for help when you need it, right? And you'll tell everyone about your eyesight?
Ashley
Yes, yes.
Carolina
What will you tell them?
Ashley
I'll say that I'm legally blind. That I was poisoned by methanol and that I only have 2% of my eyesight. I don't see colour and that I mostly just see static.
Carolina
But what if somebody maybe doesn’t understand, or —
Ashley
— MOM. You can call as much as you want.
Carolina
Okay.
Ashley
Okay.
Carolina
Esperate! Wait! I made you something.
[Carolina shuffles to a cabinet and grabs something, walking back to Ashley]
You don't have to use it, because I know you don't want to, and I respect that. But if you change your mind, I made you this.
It's your white cane, but I know you think it's ugly. So I covered in glitter and sparkles and diamonds, and it's blue and green and pink and orange… And I hope you like it.
[Ashley opens the cane and laughs warmly. She taps the cane on the ground a few times]
Ashley
Thanks, mom… for everything.
[scene transition — a dreamy synth sound fades into a live event recording]
Emcee
Our eighth speaker of the evening is an award-winning journalist. As an artistic associate for Inside Out Theatre, she's working to help improve accessibility and inclusivity in Calgary's arts and theatre scene. Please put your hands together for Ashley King…
[applause]
Ashley
Um, disclaimer. I'm not using any notes up here, and I cannot see what's going on behind me. So, when I screw up, if you guys don't want to watch it, you can close your eyes and watch it from what I like to call “my point of view”…
[the crowd laughs, fading into an airplane taking off and a ding in the cabin. A montage of Ashley’s travel videos follow, one after the other… a recording on a plane of Ashley saying her flight was uneventful and she bought too much at Duty Free… standing in front of Big Ben… waiting for the Tube in London, and rushing to get on the train… a Snapchat video with a friend in Dublin, about to go celebrate St. Patrick’s Day… bagpipes and laughter… Ashley and her friend trying their own bad Irish accents in front of St. Patrick’s cathedral… then at an airport, where Ashley says quietly under her breath that it smells like feet, and an airport staff member comes to help guide her to her next stop. We come back to Ashley’s speech…]
Ashley
I used to think that time heals everything, but what I've come to realize is it's not time, but what you do with that time that heals you. Yes, it's been hard, and yes, I cry, and yes, there's days where I wish it didn't happen to me. But those days get further and further apart.
So when people ask, how do you do it? What's your secret? There is no secret. There is no right or wrong way to get over an insurmountable trial of this magnitude. It's just one day at a time, one foot in front of the other.
[more travel video footage; Ashley in a busy restaurant, saying that in a year she’ll be in India… in Italy with a friend, attempting Italian accents… on a busy dancefloor, singing along to the song… celebrating Ashley’s birthday with champagne… live music and cheers in Barcelona… a crammed bridge in India with lots of traffic and honking… Indian dancers… on a plane, talking about sitting in the wrong seat because she couldn’t read it… then Ashley yelping as she gets up on a camel, with her boyfriend laughing as he videotapes. “Oh, it’s the Sahara… 9 a.m… on a camel.” Music from Morocco fades under the end of Ashley’s speech]
Ashley
We as humans are strong — much stronger than we give ourselves credit for. We're resilient, and we put up with a lot. So if there's one thing that I can ask that you take away from this tonight, is that you share my story and you tell people about what's happening in Bali and in Southeast Asia, because I would hate for this to happen to any of you or someone that you love.
But, if this was to happen to you, I have confidence that you are strong and capable and adaptable and resilient. And then in time, you too would also be okay.
[dreamy synth music fades into another plane taking off]
[This next part of the story is a live theatre recording. Ashley walks across the stage as the audience giggles]
Ashley
Oh yeah… Okay okay okay okay. (pauses)
So as I was saying at the beginning of the show, I'm Ashley. And I forgot to mention that I'm legally blind. For those of you who speak Spanish — Me llamo ASHLEY! No tengo bueno ojos!
[the audience laughs]
I'm a really bad Mexican.
[phone rings]
Oh, sorry. Hold on, one second…
[Ashley takes the call — it’s Carolina]
Ashley
Hello?
Carolina
Que paso?
Ashley
Mom?
Carolina
Are you being safe, Ashley? Are you being good? Guess what? The telenovela guy from life after vision loss…. He also makes workout videos! Ooo! And he’s so good!
[cheesy 80s theme music from the earlier Life After Vision Loss video — with a deep voiced “WORKOUT EDITION” added in]
Last time, I learned how to send an email, so this time I can send you the link. He's on YouTube! [woos]
Ashley
That's great, mom, but I'm just in the middle of something. Can I call you back?
Carolina
Ah, what are you doing?
Ashley
I'm just on stage… doing my show?
Carolina
Right now?
Ashley
Right now.
Carolina
And… can they see me?
Ashley
Yep.
Carolina
Oh, no… no, no, aie, dios mio, I don't have my face on! You know what? I'll call you later —
Ashley
Okay! Bye!
Carolina
Esperate! Wait! I wanted to — oh — [realizes Ashley has hung up]
Whatever. I'll call her back…
[Ashley’s voicemail: “Hey, it's Ashley. Leave a message!” BEEP]
[The voice message recording is Ashley’s actual mother’s voice]
I just wanted to let you know that I'm okay. I'm busy, like always. I'm very proud of you, my monkey. Everything you do, you do it for love — because this is what you want to do, always. You are my monkey, always. And remember, I'm right there beside you. We're always going to be together, I will be there for you until the end. I love you.
[pause]
Ashley
Love you too, mom.
[huge crowd applause]
This is Static: A Party Girl's Memoir — written by me, Ashley King and produced by Meg Wilcox.
Special thanks to Jaime Cesar, Michelle Brandenburg, Miranda Martini, Inside Out Theatre, Chromatic Theatre, and the Community Podcast Initiative at Mount Royal University for making this podcast possible.
Be sure to subscribe on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Find me on Instagram at ashkng or at my website, ashleyjenniferking.com.
[applause fades]