Static: A Party Girl’s Memoir

Episode 3 transcript: Home

Ashley

As you probably already know, we swear a lot in this podcast, and talk about topics that can sometimes be hard to listen to. But I wanted to let you know that this episode has references to suicide — so listen with care, and if you're struggling or looking for help, check out the resources in our show notes.

[sound up of static, radio changing stations]

This is Static: A Party Girl's Memoir — written by me, Ashley King. When you left me in the last episode, Britt and I were off to Bali, but it didn't go as planned —

[Montage over ominous music — Skype call connect, and Ashley saying, “Hello, is this world Mastercard?”/ bang sound, and Brit saying, “Oh my God, Ash, your new teeth are like way cuter anyways”/ Ashley banging on a bathroom door, “Brit! Britt, do you feel ok?!” while pipes groan]

— I'll admit it. I was relieved to be heading to New Zealand without her. But I barely made it to the hostel before I was in the hospital —

[Wonky dance music layered with a racing heart monitor. In a faraway tone, a doctor says, “Ashley, can you see me?... Can you see me?...”]

— And three weeks later, I was blind, broke and on my way back home with my mom.

If you're new to the podcast, you should probably start at episode one for all the juicy details. (pauses) Oh, you're still here? Great, because I definitely don't want to be.

[click on of a light; the hum of fluorescent lighting]

Ashley

We went home after that. Saw more doctors, did more tests.

Doctor

Can you see the bottom line on that chart, Ashley?

Okay, what about the top line? The big E?

Let's try this. Ashley — how many fingers am I holding up?

Ashley

It didn't matter. I had failed all of the tests. The doctors said that majority of my eyesight was gone and that they didn't think it was going to come back.

Doctor

I'm so sorry, Ashley, but I don't think there's anything else we can do.

Ashley

That was when they prescribed me antidepressants. What did they know? My eyesight might come back. Days turned into weeks as I sat in the guest room of my mother's house — because, of course, she rented my room to a Mexican exchange student.

[Mexican music comes up on radio — “La Chona” by Los Tucanes De Tijuana]

I thought this was all just a bad dream I was going to wake up from. But then those weeks turned into months and nothing was changing. It was like my own Groundhog Day hell. Every day I'd open my eyes, hopeful that something had changed, hopeful that I had gotten my eyesight back — but I didn't get it.

I could see in my dreams — perfect colour, vivid images — but I’d open my eyes, remember where I was, back in hell.

This couldn't be it. I couldn't be… blind? Blind people acted like — they looked like — they didn't look like me.

Carolina [shuffles into the room]

Andale pues, monkey. Today's the day! Today you are going to get out of bed… and let's get you out from under that dirty blanket. Levantate! C’mon!

(Ashley says “no!” wrenches duvet, fights Carolina)

It's sunny outside!

(Ashley continues to pull blanket and groan in disagreement)

Ashley

Maybe I was depressed. The stupid antidepressants weren't working.

[hum and static fades in]

What if I forgot what I looked like? Would I ever know if someone was smiling at me ever again? How would I know? Oh my God… who would ever love someone who couldn't see?

[static transitions to the Mexican music on the radio from before]

Carolina

Monkey, look what my friend Marco from work gave me… It's called the Lourdes water, from France, and it's supposed to help your eyes. I think it's Holy water. He said he used to wear glasses and after drinking the water, he doesn't need them anymore… (fades under Ashley)

Ashley

Would I ever seen other sunsets? What about all the places in the world I hadn't traveled to yet? And God, what would everybody say about me? There's that weird girl who went blind. She's probably deserved it.

No, no, I wouldn't tell anyone. I would lie. Yeah, I would tell him that my eyesight was coming back and that it was just taking awhile to heal. Or I'd say that I couldn't see because I wasn't wearing my contacts. Or I had Lasik! Or that I just didn't drive at night, oh… anything but the truth.

Carolina

Did you see all the carrot juice that I bought? There's three big jugs of it in the fridge, four more in the pantry and ten more in the garage. It’s good for your eyes!

Ashley

I didn't want to have to depend on other people for help. I didn't want to be a burden.

Carolina

Are you eating those almonds? They're good for your eyes, and they keep you skinny….

Ashley

I didn't want to be some inspirational blind bitch. That wasn't going to be my story.

Carolina

Monkey! We should go see Father Jose to cleanse your eyes. Oh, yeah. He has us in his prayers….

Ashley

I didn't want people to pity me, to cheer me on just because I got out of bed.

[radio and static builds, then fades away as Carolina walks in]

Carolina

Monkey, come watch this movie with me! It's called “The Secret”. I know, it's not a telenovela, but we can learn about the Law of Attraction.

Ashley (under her breath)

I'm going to attract my eyesight back? What?

Carolina

Come, come. Vamos Ashley!

[Carolina tried to pull duvet off of Ashley; she holds on]

Ashley

No! … No! Stop! Stop! Mom! Leave me alone!

Carolina

Aie, no Ashley. Come on, let's get dressed and leave this room!

Ashley

This isn't even my room. You rented out my room to Voldemort, the Mexican exchange student.

Carolina

His name is Valdemar, and he's very nice. And you are not supposed to be here.

Ashley

I don't care. I miss my room, and my job, and driving…

Carolina

Didn’t I tell you? Someone stole the car when you were in Australia. (Ashley asks, “What?!) Yes! It's not parked out front. Didn't you see?

Ashley

No, I didn't see! Oh, you don't get it, mom. You just don't get it.

Carolina

I'm trying to help you, but I can't help you if you don't let me.

Ashley

I don't need your help — unless you can fix my eyes, go away! I just miss my old life.

Carolina

Aie, Ashley, don't be dramatic.

Ashley

No, mom. You heard them. All the doctors, the specialists, the way they apologized? They apologized because they know going blind is the worst thing that could ever happen to somebody.

Carolina

Monkey, that's not true. That's not the worst — the worst would be… being ugly.

Ashley

(groans) My life is over! The nerves in my eyes are dead. Not recovering. Not sprained. Not healing. Dead.

Carolina

Aie aie aie aie aie Ashley. I'll help you and you'll be fine.

Ashley

I don't want your help! I don't want to be here in this room, in this house, in this place… and UGH!

If I have to be blind, I want to do it… in Australia. Yeah! On a beach, drinking boxed wine with my own pet duck. Living my old life!

Carolina

A beach and a duck?! (huffs) Don't be silly, you know you can do that.

Ashley

Fuck it. Screw it. Why not? What am I gonna walk into on a beach? (in a silly imitating voice) “What’s on the beach?! I'm blind! I can't on the beach!” (laughs)

Carolina

Ashley, no! You can't run away from this. You need to accept what happened to you.

Ashley

I am going to accept it. I'm going to accept it back in Australia

Carolina

Aie, Ashley, that's not what I meant. You need to keep seeing doctors here. Maybe get an eye-seeing dog and I'll help you learn how to use a cane.

Ashley

Oh my God, I am never using a fugly cane.

Carolina

How are you going to cross the street? This is why you need my help.

[bell rings as if the start of a fight; a male announcer says, “En esta Esquina, Tequila Carolina…”]

Ashley

I don't need your help. And I'm never using a cane, ever!

[another bell; the announcer says, “En esta Esquina, la gringa Ashley…” Faraway sounds of a crowd fade in, as does a light techno beat]

Ashley

I'm going back to Australia, back to my old life, back to where I had no problems.

Carolina

What if we went on a trip together, you and me? We could go somewhere like… Edmonton.

Ashley

Oh my God, I don't want to go anywhere with you! [sound of a wrestling hit]

Carolina

Aie, because I am so bad?

Ashley

Why do you think I left here in the first place? To get away from you. [another hit]

Ashley (starts to backpedal on her last comment)

Come on… You did the same thing to your mom.

Carolina

I never did anything like that to my mother.

Ashley

Sure you did! You're the only one of the ten kids that left Mexico. At least I didn’t leave because I was fucking some guy for three months. [more hits]

Carolina

I fucked him for six months. [a drop and hit]

Ashley

EW! God, at least I actually had a life in Australia.

Carolina

I do have a life, too. And it's cleaning up after you.

Ashley

No, it's not. All you ever do is suffocate people.

Carolina

That's not true. Valdemar is very grateful for everything I've done for him. Why can't you be more like him? [hit]

Ashley

Yeah, and you'll suffocate him too — just like you did to dad, and now me. I'm going back to Australia. [hits]

Carolina

No, you're not. You're stupida, you can’t live without me!

Ashley

You're stupida!

Carolina

You are the stupida, you are going to stay here with me and with Valdemar.

Ashley

I hate you… and stupid Voldemort…and this place… and UGH! [more hits]

Carolina

The more you hate me, the more I love you.

Ashley

Whatever. I'm going back to Australia, and I don't care what you or anyone says, and I don't need your fucking help. [drop and slam]

Carolina

I should have left you in New Zealand! (huffs)

Ashley

I wish you had. Maybe if I didn't want to get away from you so badly, none of this would have ever happened.

[the announcers goes “ooooh!” and a big whoosh and build up to the knockout hit. The crowd sounds get louder; a count to three as the referee hits the mat. The announcer says, “Nosotras tenemos una ganadora” and a final bell tolls as all of the fight sounds fade away]

Ashley [talking to the right]

And I'm never using a cane.

Carolina [standing on the left, snapping her fingers]

Over here… right here…

Ashley [turns and walks toward Carolina]

UGH! And I'm never using a cane!

[Carolina gives an “aie!” in exasperation and walks away, firmly closing a door]

Ashley

UGH! Fuck you! I don't need you, mom. I had Britney. Yeah.

Hey, Siri, call Britney.

[Siri says, “Calling Britney mobile”… it goes to voicemail, with Brit in a bad Australian accent saying, “It’s Britney, bitch — Leave a message.”]

Ashley [at the beep]

Hey, Brit! I'm not like, sad and lame anymore. I know I said I need you here, but I'm good now. Really! Call me back. Bye.

[static starts to fade in as layers of calls, beeps, and voice messages from Ashley build up over each other…]

Ashley [after the beep]

Brit, call me back! I've called you, like, a billion times. I know I said I needed you here, and that it was hard and it was difficult… But I'm like, better now. Kind of. But I'm coming back to Oz! Yay! Call me.

[one last echoey, “It’s Britney bitch, leave a message”… then silence… then a notification ping.]

Siri

Text message from Britney.

Hey, Ash. Sorry. It's been a while. I've been so lost on what to do about my situation.

Ashley

YOUR situation?!

Siri

When I heard all your voicemails, I was so distraught. I just prayed to God for hours. I've even gone so far as to start wearing crystals so that I can be there for you. I know you want me home, but Australia is a once in a lifetime opportunity. But I don't think it's a good idea you come back here either. I'm so sorry, but I don't know how to take care of a blind person. Miss you! XO.

Ashley

What?! Whatever. I didn't need her.

Siri

Would you like to reply?

Ashley

Siri, delete message.

I had other friends. Yeah! Better friends. And I didn't need anyone to take care of me. I'd show her. Nothing had to change. I was going to keep on living my life just like I always had. Booze, boys, parties and fun. Fuck you, Britney! Mom, I'm going to the club!

Siri, play my getting ready mix.

[Tinny music comes on — “Happy” by Pharrell Williams. Vocals: “It might seem crazy what I’m about to say…”]

Ashley

Fake lashes… Okay, here we go. So… a little bit of glue. Stick it to my eye line. Fuck. How do you know if they're straight? Okay, I think that's okay…

Okay. Bronzer… Shit. Is this foundation or is this bronzer? Okay, whatever. It's a little bit more here… A little bit on my forehead, oh and a little in the cleavage for a little bit of definition.

(smacks lips) Lips, lips. I need lip liner. Shit. Is this eyeliner or lip liner? Okay, please don't be black… please don't be black. Okay. Line my lips a little bit, and it's a little like that… Okay. Lipstick. (smacks lips) That's good. Very Taylor swift. Okay. Okay! Sweet. I look cute.

[Ashley walks and grabs keys and a bag]

Booze, boys, parties and fun. Nothing had to change!

Except I couldn't drive anymore… so that did change. But I was able to sign up for this free taxi service. Yeah, it meant all of my taxis were free! No more bussing to the club, no more getting my mom to drive me, no more worrying if I had enough money for a cab at the end of the night… This was bad enough, it was about time I got some perks out of this! So tonight I booked a cab to take me to the club. And I looked cute! Ooh, I was ready. It'd be here any minute now.

[“Happy” gets a little louder as Ashley waits]

Any minute now.

[Ashley paces a bit]

Any minute now.

Being late is cool!

[music continues to play]

Fuck! [stomps] What the fuck is this damn cab! I swear to God, if they're not here soon, they're going to be hearing a complaint from ME!

[a vehicle approaches]

Ashley

Oh, I think it's here! Is it a yellow or a white cab? Ooo, or maybe a black sedan…

[sound of vehicle is closer]

It's a what — it's a HANDIBUS?!

[bus stops and a small horn honks]

A HANDIBUS?! There’s no way I'm getting dropped off at the club in a handibus! Abso-fucking-lutely not. Oh fuck that. Fuck! Damn it! Fuck! Oh!

Ashley (pauses, then says sweetly)

Mom…Can I get a ride to the club?

Carolina [walks in]

Okay, monkey, okay. [grabs keys] Vamanos!

[Ashley and Carolina leave the house and get in the car. Carolina mutters to herself in Spanish as she starts the car and puts on a CD. An instrumental version of “Baila Esta Cumbia” by the Guitar Tribite Players starts, and Ashley goes “ugh” under her breath. Carolina starts driving.]

Ashley

I tried to fit in, to be a normal 20 something, but all I could ever think was what is everybody saying about me? My social anxiety was at an all-time high. I tried to cope with it, usually by drinking too much.

On one messy night out, I told a friend that she didn't deserve to see. On another night, I threw a drink at a friend's face. Things like that happened more often than I'd like to admit. I was just so angry and sad, I didn't know how to cope with it. I stopped getting invited to things. Birthdays, girls’ trips, festivals… I guess people just didn't want to take care of me. Or I guess they just didn't want to be around me. Could I blame them? I didn't really want to be around me. either. Every day was getting harder than the last, though.

The final straw was the taxi incident. I was meeting a friend at the bar…

[the car doors open to the sounds of a busy street and music thumping outside of a club]

Carolina

Aie, aie — Horses and Divorces! Are you sure this is a bar?

Ashley

Yes, yes, this is it.

Carolina

There's so many people. How are you going to find your friends?

Ashley

I’m fine, mom. It's fine. Just go — just go, I can do it.

Carolina (sounding concerned)

Okay…

[Carolina walks away]

Ashley

The plan was that I would call my friend when I got there, and she can't say to meet me. I called when I got there. I called her, but she didn't answer. I called again and she still didn't answer. But then my phone rang and it was her. She said she had left and gone to another bar. She wanted me to walk there and meet her. But I couldn't do that.

I should have said no. I should have said that I couldn't do that, I didn't know how to do that. But that wasn't what I said because I didn't want to be a burden. I said, ‘Sure, I'll walk and meet you!’ Then my phone died.

I didn't know where I was going. Was it one block to the right and then two left or two to the left, and then one right? Shit. Fuck!

[Ashley starts walking down the street as the sounds of the crowd and traffic slowly get louder]

I started walking, stumbling in my stupid heels as I slowly tried to make it through crowds of drunk, belligerent people. I thought just a little bit further, a little bit further, and I would be there. Then I got to a crosswalk.

How would I know it was my turn to cross the street? I listened for the sound of cars — for the sound of cars coming. I didn't hear any. I was sure it was safe to cross the street. I was sure it was safe to walk, but it wasn't.

[a car screeches, a loud impact and the sound of the street is gone, replaced by a ringing tone… then a woosh as the sounds of the street come back. The driver, a male voice, yells, “What the fuck are you doing?!”]

Ashley

I got hit by a cab.

Driver

Watch where you're fucking going! [honks horn]

Ashley

He stopped only long enough to yell at me before driving away.

[the car drives away as crowd sounds intensify. “Blind drunk”/ “Are you OK?” / “Get off the road!”]

Ashley

Bystanders on the street shouted at me as if I was some drunk belligerent girl who just stumbled into the road. I said I'm not drunk, I'm blind — I'm blind from methanol poisoning! But it didn't matter because they didn't believe me.

[a piercing drone sound as the crowd gets louder… a mix of voices and sounds, mixed with the hits from Ashley’s earlier fight with Carolina.

“Drunk bitch” … Doctor saying “Ashley, can you see me?” … Ashley saying “Who would ever love someone who couldn't see?”… Carolina saying “You are the stupida! I should have left you in New Zealand”… a notification ping and Siri saying “I don’t know how to take care of a blind person”… Doctor saying “I'm so sorry, Ashley, but I don't think there's anything else we can do.”

At the final doctor comment, a big hit and the crowd and street sound disappear to a ringing tone]

Ashley

I wanted to die in that moment. I wish that taxi had just fucking killed me.

I couldn't do it anymore. It had been years by this point. I was trying to accept it, I was trying to move on, I was trying to accept being blind — but what if I just never accepted it?

God, you don't want to keep on hearing this. This sob story, it’s pathetic. You probably wanted to listen to an inspirational story? Yeah, I don't know how to do that. Do you think it's my fault? You probably think that I deserve this. I bet you think that I wish it happened to Britney — that Britney was poisoned instead of me. You probably think that I should have come home for my trip when I was supposed to. That I should have listened to my mom.

Maybe it would just be easier if I wasn't here. For you and everybody else. Yeah, yeah — it could all just end here, the story could just end here. I wouldn't have to do it anymore. Yeah. You would understand. My mom would understand... Right? Right?

[a dreamy synth sound with static fades in and grows louder… then transitioning to the fluorescent lights and machines of a hospital. Carolina wheels Ashley in a wheelchair]

Ashley

You know I can walk, right?

Carolina

Yes, but this is more fun! [a small ding as the wheelchair hits something metal]

Do you want me to read your Bible passage from this week? It's John 12:48.

Ashley

No, I'm fine, thanks.

[Carolina lights a cigarette and takes a drag]

Ashley [sniffing]

Is that… do you smell… Are you smoking?!

Carolina

No, no! (pauses) Maybe. (excitedly) Can you see that?

Ashley

No, I can't see that, I can smell it! Mom, you can't smoke in a hospital.

Carolina

Oh. Oops…

Ashley

And since when do you smoke?

Carolina

It's new. And I only do it when I'm stressed.

Ashley

(realizing she’s likely the cause of stress) Oh. (pauses)

Um, you know, the nice nurse said that only hot girls go to psych. Madonna, Spears, Lohan. But I don't actually feel very hot right now. I actually feel kind of stupid.

Carolina

Aie, no, you're not stupid. Oh, I saw they had O’Henry at the vending machine, and I bought them all for you, monkey! Here, all for you! (laughs as the chocolate bar wrappers rustle)

Ashley

Thanks…

[machines continue to beep, Carolina flips through a magazine]

Mom?

Carolina

Si, mija?

Ashley

I don't want to be here.

Carolina

Your doctor said we can leave soon. They just have to do some more tests and —

Ashley

— No, that's... that's not what I mean.

Carolina

You mean you want to be back in Australia?

Ashley

No, I don't want to be anywhere.

Carolina

[closes and throws down magazine] Aie monkey, don't be dramatic.

Ashley

Mom, I'm serious. I can't live like this. I thought I could figure it out, and I thought I could do it, but I just.. I just can't.

Carolina

But you don't have to do this alone. I'm here. I can help you.

Ashley

No, mom… mom…

Carolina

No, you're going to get through this. We are going to get through this.

You're not alone. I'm here. Don't give up. Keep on trying!

Monkey, You can do this. You're strong. Escuchar, escuchar. You are resilient.

Please just keep trying. Por favor, monkey? For me?

Que necesitas, que puedo hacer?

I'd give you my eyes if I could.

[Carolina starts to pray]

Ashley

Can you get me a blanket?

Carolina

Si, si monkey, of course!

[Carolina runs down the hall to find a blanket]

Ashley

I felt like such a dick. She was trying so hard, but it wasn't what I needed. I don't even know what I needed. I needed someone to tell me that it was okay that I wasn't okay, and that what had happened to me was incredibly shitty and it never should have happened and… that it would be okay if I never accepted it.

But she was never going to say that. She truly believed I was going to be okay. She wanted to keep on fighting, keep on trying…

I don't know. Maybe… Maybe I could try for her.

[sound of static builds]

Ashley

Well, that was poetic of you, Ashley. In the iconic words of Aaliyah, “Get up and try again…”

That's part three of Static: A Party Girl's Memoir — written by me, Ashley King. I'm playing myself — oh, and Brit. Jaime Cesar is playing the indomitable Carolina. This podcast is being produced by Meg Wilcox. Hey, Meg!

Meg

Hey, Ashley!

Ashley

So, we both agreed that Carolina needed to be a part of this — but I didn't want to do the interview. I didn't think she'd be up front with me because we ain't that vulnerable with one another. So, I asked you to do it.

Meg

And honestly, I was happy to do it — you know, I do enough interviews in my day to day — but I have to also say I was a bit worried… because at this point, I had never actually met your mom. But I had read through the scripts, seen the rehearsals, heard personal stories about Catroina… and, honestly, she was a bit of a celebrity, and like a myth to me. And so… I was a little nervous.

Ashley

Well, you did a great job because you got way more out of her — well, I don't know because haven't heard it yet — but you were going to be able to get way more out of her than she would ever give me. She does better with complete strangers than her own offspring, I think.

Meg

Which I find so interesting, but also kind of makes sense to me, a bit? So that's why I was willing to go in as a stranger and ask these very personal questions. So… we arranged to meet one afternoon at your place for the interview. You weren't there for the interview because that would have defeated the purpose — but I also want to mention that you did help with the questions, so this wasn't something that was totally random, there was stuff you kind of wanted to know. But as you said, you actually haven't heard this interview yet.

Ashley

I have not heard this interview. I don't even really remember the questions, because that feels like it was so long ago. So I'm going to be hearing this for the first time with everybody else.

Meg

So here it is — this is my conversation with the woman, the myth, the legend — the one and only Carolina King.

[podcast theme music — Maarten Schellekens, Salt Lake Swerve]

Meg

My understanding is you haven't read the script, but you have been at a performance, a read through, so you've heard an early version (Carolina agrees) And I'm wondering what parts of the play, do you think, Ashley gets right about Carolina? And maybe what are some things that you're like, oh, maybe, maybe not so accurate?

Carolina King

You know, I would say that pretty much everything she says is true. The way she described me, that's the way I am. Yes, sometimes I was a little bit tough… sometimes it was, you know, typical mom. I love my daughter. I can’t let you do whatever you want, but pretty much whatever she said is true. Yeah.

Meg

So you are Tequila Carolina, then? (both laugh)

Carolina King

No... Well, yeah… Kind of. I don't like tequila, I will be honest… (laughing)

Meg

Fair! So, I was wanting to chat with you a bit about your memories of some of the times that Ashley talks about in Static, in the play. So, for example, you know, the play shows you getting the phone call from the doctors in New Zealand and having to fly back to see Ashley. And I'm wondering from that time — I imagine it's a blur — but do you have any specific memories or things that stick out from that time and being on that 15 hour flight?

Carolina King

It was a very frightening day — evening, I will say, because it was in the evening — when I had the phone call from New Zealand. In a million years, I never thought that would have happened to my daughter. Very, very scared, when I had the phone call. When I get in the plane, I didn't know what I was going to expect when I get there.

I work in the hospital, so I kind of have a feeling on my heart that it wasn't going to be good. And I was expecting the worst, I’ll be honest with you. It was a nightmare. From the time I get into the plane — I was praying every single minute I was on the plane. Just God, let me make sure when I get there, my daughter's alive. And I will take it, I will love over no matter what, the way she is. I thought she was going to be a vegetable.

I was crying all the way. All the way. I was in a new city, a new continent and I was alone. I remember when I get off the plane, I get in the taxi and I was afraid to get in the hospital. As a mom, I don't want anybody to go through this. It was a nightmare.

I don't get very emotional… (pauses, holds back tears)

I didn't cry very much after the accident because I was trying to be very strong. But I feel she was lost, and I didn’t know how to help her. I wish I could give her my eyes, and I still hope one day she might able to see me.

[Mic pulls away; Meg tells Carolina they can take a second, and reminds her that we can take breaks whenever, and doesn’t have to answer all questions. A short break.]

Meg

I imagine — the stress of not knowing what you're walking in to see. You hadn't seen Ashley in months. She'd been traveling, she'd been away. And then you also mentioned that, you know, you've worked in a hospital, you know how bad things can be. And when you saw her, when you were able to actually, you know, meet and give her a hug — what do you remember from that?

Carolina King

It was… relief that she was alive. I didn't know how much she can see at the time. When I had the phone call from the doctors, they told me, how soon you can come? I knew it was not gonna be easy, something else is going to be coming from there.

She was very angry, very angry when she saw me. She thought, ‘Mom, what are you doing here?’ I said, I came to be with you. ‘You don't have to be here. I said, Why?’‘I'm going to be fine.’ Like, in her mind, she was hoping that everything was going to be okay, [as if] nothing had happened. ‘What is the reason for you to be here?’

I didn't know anything about methanol poisoning. I had no idea. How did she get? I always thought maybe drugs — I said my daughter doesn't use any drugs. Why? Why? Why? What's happening? We never put it together all the situation until days later. But I was happy to see her, that she was still alive. And I said, God, thank you so much. I'll take you. And I was ready to take it back to Canada. But she was not — ‘I'm going to stay here — I'm going to continue traveling.’ But I think both me and her, we were not ready for whatever was coming. We didn't know how severe it was. We’re looking that way, Yeah, she's going to be better, let's go back to Canada… Just wait a few more months and then you can go back traveling. Until the next day, or few days later, when she told me ‘I can't see anything.’ And then it hit me.

Meg

It's funny you say that because, Ashley was saying when she was interviewing Dr. Gee that she didn't realize how bad things were at first, partly because the doctors were so kind and they were working to keep her calm and that. Yeah, she started to realize, you know, the severity of where things were. But it was about a month that she was in the hospital in New Zealand. And so you weren't just there for a day or two before taking her home. What was it like for you being at the hospital, and how long were you there for?

Carolina King

Like you say, we were there maybe for 2, 3 weeks in the hospital. One time, when we find out when the doctor’s in, she started to feel she wasn't able to see properly that few days. In the beginning she thought, I'm going to be fine. Don't worry about it.

And then I start to look on the internet about methanol poisoning. What could happen, what could have happened, and what could be done, probably. Because I say to her and I keep telling, I still tell her all the time — I say, You know, you're able to walk, you’re able to do a lot of things that people cannot do it. Yes, maybe you have some problems with your eyes later on, but I didn't think that it was going to be really bad until we came back to Canada.

And I thought, you know what? Maybe there is something they can do for you… as the days go by, every day, and every morning, Oh, I think I'm going to be fine. But it hit me really bad when we came back to Canada, then we knew it. After all the doctors tried over there… every day, it was a long day. Every time we had to go to see the doctors in the morning or in the afternoon, it was almost a hope — maybe there would be something that they can do for you. We can try anything! And I say to her, I don't care how much it’s going to cost us, we're going to try everything there is available for you to do it.

It was a long haul and you're right — we were both alone there. It was hard to deal with that. It wasn’t easy.

Meg

Well, and you mentioned then coming home, you know, the comfort of being able to come home and it being familiar, but then being put through this roller coaster of doctors’ appointments, and will this fix something? Will it not? Ashley was really trying to figure out how she saw her future — right? — with this big change. But I imagine you're also trying to imagine what Ashley's future might be, what your future might be… And I guess I'm wondering what was going through your head? I think, at least from the play, it strikes me that you did a very good job of hiding from Ashley how you felt and your worries — and I'm wondering if you were willing to share some of those thoughts you had.

Carolina King

You know, it was, when we came back to Canada, like I said, it was hard. In trying to find ways, venues — how can I help you? How can we make this? How are we going to do it? I had to learn a lot from her, from whatever the people — the doctors told me you had to do this around the house — I knew it, and she knew it, the way the house was before. So I didn't move anything, the furniture, it was still the same. It was hard for her to accept that every time I would say, can I help you? She won't take any help at all. ‘I can do it myself, mom.’

I went to work every day and I would call her from work. How are you doing? I'm okay. Sometimes she won't answer my phone. I will come home and she will be in bed. Everything, windows closed, dark in the darkness. I knew she was depressed. I know I will come in, I say. How can I help? What can I do for you?

She was always very angry. Very angry. And it doesn't matter what I say, it doesn't matter what I do. And I said, you know, you can yell at me. You can scream to me. I know you had to let it go. You had to get this anger off you. And that's the only way we can get through. We're going to try everything we can.

Mom, you work! I don't care, I used to say. We're going to put it together. I will come home and I will strip the bed — get out of the bed! I don't want you to be in bed. ‘I'm fine. mom.’ No, you're not fine. She used to come upstairs because she used to sleep downstairs in the basement, and I will say, sit over here when I'm making dinner. ‘No, I'm not hungry. No, I'm not going to eat it. I can do it myself.’ And there were so many times like, she will knock herself on the table with the chair. It was a learning, even for me. How are we going to do this? Where are we going to get the help that we needed?

First, we'll start with the doctors and then the doctors brough me through the CNIB. She didn't want to go, she didn't want any help. On her mind was, and she always used to say, ‘Mom, I'm going to go back to Australia and I'm going to keep traveling.’ How are you going to do it? ‘Oh don't worry, I will find my way.’

I was very, very afraid then she was going to take the reins and say, ‘I’m going back to Australia’. I'm so happy when she stayed. But it wasn't very easy either.

I used to go to work — everybody asked at work, how are you doing? And I always said I’m OK. Before I started my shift, I will stay in my car in the parking and cry. That was my moment to relieve all my sadness, my anger. I would come to my work on my floor and when I see all my patients, how they go through cancer, moms with kids like me… And I would come home and I said, you know, Ashley, we can do it. You're still alive and that's all that matters. And we're going to get through this. Slowly, we did it and we're still doing it.

Meg

I imagine, you know as a parent you've always have, you know, dreams and hopes for your kid. And maybe at this point you were just working on getting through day to day and you didn't think about it. But I wonder were you worried about what Ashley's future might look like? Did you have concerns at that point, or was it just trying to get through day to day?

Carolina King

I think we tried to do it day to day, you’re right. Yes. I worried about what her future was going to be. She always had a lot of hopes. She always wanted to be an actor. I remember, when she was a little kid — I said, what are you going to be when you grow up? I'm going to be an actor.

And I said, well, you're not going to make enough money. ‘Don't worry, I’m going to be a really rich actor! I'm going to have my motor home and’… I say what about me? ‘Oh, you can come and see me and but I'm going to be traveling all the time, so don't worry, I'm going to be fine.’

I knew that she was going to struggle a lot to have a future because, like every mom, I was worried about what we're going to do. And she was always very independent — she always worked since she was 14 years old, and she always used to say, ‘Mom, but I need to work’. How are you going to make it?

‘I need money.’ I said, don't worry, I can work extra shifts for you and that's going to be your money. ‘No, mom, I want to have my own money.’ I said, well, you know, you still have a future. You can have a career. ‘No, I can’t mom, I can’t see it.’

I'm going to be your eyes — if you have to go to school and I have to go with you, I will go with you and we're going to do it together. And she would look at me, ‘Mom, how are you going to be with me in the school?’ It's okay. I can start from all around again, no worries. But how about your job? I said I can combine my job, but I'm going to be right there with you from day one. We're going to do it together until you figure out what you want to do for your life.

She always used to say, ‘But who's going to love me that way?’ You will find somebody who will love you for who you are. Don't worry, it will happen. And, sorry, but whoever comes into your life — it's going to be mom and you because I'm always going to be there for you. And I'll always — call me and I'll be there. I'm going to be driving. I'm going to be doing everything you’re not supposed to be doing, I'm going to do it for you.

Meg

You talk about, you know, the depression at the beginning, trying to figure out, you know, what next steps are going to be, what it's going to look like. Do you have a memory of a moment where you knew Ashley was going to be okay?

Carolina King

Yes. When she decided, or when she was able, to accept the way she was — that's when I knew what she was going to be okay. And from the moment she started to ask for help, I knew that she was going to be okay. I’ve always been a worried mum. And through this ordeal, through these years, I'm always worried for her. And like she always said, ‘Mom, why are you asking so many questions?’ Because I need to know that you're going to be okay, wherever you're going. So from the time when she asked for help, I knew it she was going to be okay.

I remember very clearly, we were driving — maybe at school or somewhere, an appointment — and I'm driving. She's my passenger and automatically I will say Ashley, is a car coming?! she'll say, ‘Mom, I can't see it!’ Oh my God, I forgot about that! And we were both burst out laughing. I knew what she was going to be okay, because we can laugh at the situation without being angry, neither one.

Meg

Do you remember the first thing she asked for help with?

Carolina King

Yes. I think we were possibly at the bank or, a coffee shop … I mean, we were always together, everywhere she was going, I was always with her for appointments, anything at school.

We were at the store, and I'm always ready to go in and try to meet her life easier around anywhere she wants. And she told me, she said, ‘Mom, can you let me be?’ Are you going to be okay? And I step back, and she asked for help. So I knew she was going to be good.

Meg

And in that moment, she was also asking for space from you — which I imagine is hard after wanting to be so close and to look after — so how do you manage now that, you know, Ashley's living independently and many of these other things. How do you balance that wanting to be there for her and also knowing that that she might need her space?

Carolina King

You know, it was hard in the beginning when she would say, ‘Mom, I need space. I need to be on my own, and I need to be able to do a lot of things on my own.’ It was hard in the beginning because, as you say, moms — mom for me is I have to be with you no matter what.

When she showed me, and I can see, that she was doing okay… And even until now, I say to her, call me, I don't care what time it is, I will come and be there for you. But I think it was when she started to show me that she was able to do a lot of things — and capable, more than anything, to do it on her own.

I mean, now, I still worry for her. Sometimes we can go a couple of days without talking, I will be calling — How are you doing? What do you need? Typical mom, I want to come home, I want to come to her place and do whatever I can, make her life a little bit easier.

I know she's capable to do it, but… I don't know why… I feel like I have to be there all the time. But now… I just let it go slowly. I feel like I let it go a little bit slowly. I mean, maybe one day and I'm not going to be here for her. So she had to learn and she had to be very strong to do it in her own.

Meg

Comparing to those early days in New Zealand or even just coming back to Canada… to now… Ashley's life and where she's at, is this what you imagined or better than you imagined? Looking at how far she's come in that amount of time? How far both of you have come?

Carolina King

She’s come way further than I expected. I know she's struggled a lot, and I know my daughter really good, so I know when she tries to achieve something and it doesn't come the way she wants, she can be very defiant. But she always finds the way to do it. I'm very happy of what she’s trying to accomplish. And every day is a new day, it's a new learning for her. Maybe for me too. I just hope that one day she will be happy — more than what she is now — and say, mom, I did it. And I know she will. It's been so many years and I noticed every year is getting better and better. And the more she does, and the more she’s felt that she's capable to do it, she's more happy with her life.

Meg

What did you think when Ashley first said she was going to start to write a play about how she became blind?

Carolina King

I didn't quite think she was going to do it. But like I said, when she puts something in her mind, I know she will do it. And when she told me she was going to do it, I knew she was ready to open up and talk about her life. And I think it will help a lot of people too.

I don't see my daughter as disabled. I see like, Ashley, my daughter. And she is always going to be my baby, I always tell her that. I know she will do a lot and she will do more than what she thinks she can do.

Meg

And how does it feel to be such a big part of the story? Right? Like, on one hand, this is about Ashley getting poisoned. But really, you know, this story is. I feel like it's a bit of a love letter to you that you're the only other main character in this story, and it's about your relationship. So how does it feel to know that that Ashley's chosen to portray this in, in her first play that she's writing?

Carolina King

I don't know how I can describe this, but…. It’s a hard one to…

Meg

How does it make you feel?

Carolina King

It made me feel like a very proud mom, more than anything. And like I said, we've been through so many years with this life, a second life — I always say to her, you have a chance to have a second life —

It made me feel so proud.

[podcast theme music]

Ashley

Ahhhhh! Mommmmmyyyyyy… (both laugh)

Meg

So, Ash, what surprised you about the conversation?

Ashley

Oh my God. All of it and none of it. Like, I knew she wouldn't have given me any of that. She would've given me yes and no answers. I knew you would have gotten much more out of her. Yeah, a lot surprised me. I'm surprised how similar the story is for both of us. I wrote this play without a lot of feedback from her, and I really had to imagine how my mom was feeling during all these years. I had to think about what my mom's perspective might be from what I saw, myself, and what I how I would imagine life was in her shoes. A little bit from things she told me, but a lot of it from me guessing because she's not that big of an open book — and I was surprised how many things she said that literally are in the play and are exactly how I remember it and pretty accurate to how she remembers it.

Meg

And I should say this was before she saw the play —

Ashley

Yes, this is before she saw the play!

Meg

So, you know, I wonder if for her, watching the play, if she almost thought about that too. But yeah, continue —

Ashley

Yeah, it's like she was picking out scenes from the play and talking about them, which I thought was so interesting because, yeah, at this point she's not seen the play. At least, for the most recent version of it.

And then the other thing that really got me was her moments of breaking down and when she did that. Because I assumed she had her moments — and I thought about putting them in the play, where Carolina would have her own scene on stage where she breaks down and she has to try and hold it together for Ashley — but I would have been making it all up because I didn't know when she did that. And hearing her cry in her car before work starts… Yeah, that really hit me. You know that when someone goes through something really traumatic, it's not just the person going through it, it's their support system that also goes through it. And it wasn't just me mourning the loss of my eyesight, but it was my mom mourning the loss of my eyesight and, you know, the future she thought that I was going to have and the future she thought she was going to have. And I always say that what I went through was really difficult, but what my mom went through has always been way harder. Because she's the one who had to fly across the world not knowing if I was alive or dead, and I just was drunk in a hospital, like really not giving a care about the world. (both laugh)

And it's funny how she sees me, how determined I was to go back to Australia or to keep on traveling, because all of that is true. I was really like, why the hell are you here in New Zealand? Like, I'm going to go back to backpacking tomorrow, you know? So yeah, it just kind of blows my mind how for us — not really — we don't really have open conversations about our feelings and we don't really talk about… I know I wrote a play about it, but we don't really talk about this kind of stuff. So to hear her say it and know that it's so similar to how I look back on it just feels, you know, that we were going through it together.

Meg

Well, and you mentioned, feeling a hit when your mom talked about driving to work and crying in the car before work, and that one hit for me. It's funny, I think in the interview, you can hear Carolina's tears a little bit more because she was talking more. And I guess I have enough broadcast training experience that I talk through it, but like — my eyes were not dry during that interview either. I’m starting to tear up now thinking about that moment in particular, because I was thinking, not only is she driving to work and having this moment to break down — but then she describes having to go and be with other parents that are about to lose their kids, you know, for a health reason that is terminal.

And I know she would often come back to you, and she said in the interview, like, you know, you have so many things, you can work through it. When you're in that moment, you can't necessarily see that, you can't necessarily feel that — and that was not a blind joke about me saying, you can’t see it —

Ashley

(both laugh) Oh, I caught it!

Meg

But that idea of having that perspective for her, of both the struggles at home and your challenges and having to work out your mindset and deal with your trauma and your anger is totally justified… but feeling caught between those two worlds just —

Ashley

Yeah, you know, my mom has always been someone who, in going through all of this, has always been like, you know, it could be worse, we could be worse. Like, we could not have a house over our heads. You might not be able to walk. You could be… you know, at least you have your otherwise your health elsewhere. And I think sometimes I would forget that she sees every day how it could be worse.

You know, sometimes when someone tells you that, I'm like, it couldn't get any more worse than this, my life is over. But she really saw examples every day going to work, working in the cancer unit at the hospital. I still have a future and a lot of other people don't have that. A lot of other people don't get that choice.

Meg

This interview makes me think a bit about your interview with Dr. Gee in the previous episode, and the idea that, you know, Static is told through your perspective, through Ashley's perspective. And it should be — right!

But it makes me realize all of these other perspectives and people that have been shaped by the story in a way that maybe you didn't realize at first. Or in some cases you did kind of know, but maybe didn't know directly from not having conversations with your mom or not feeling like that’s something that could be talked about. But, I think it shows the reach through many people — while it directly affected you, no question, there's many other people that are part of the story.

Ashley

Yeah. And I often forget that anybody else is a part of the story. Being blind is such an isolating thing, and I forget that there's other people who have been affected in some shape or way, what I went through. And it is weird as we go through this journey of chatting to people who have had a hand in the creation of this play, but have had a hand into where I am today…Yeah, it's surreal. (both laugh)

Meg

And I do want to say, you know, we had this interview with your mom before she saw the play, and that she felt that it was pretty accurate. But on opening night, I did go and say hi to you and Carolina after, and I asked her again — I said, Carolina, okay, now that you've seen it, like, do you really think that it was accurate?

And she said, ‘Yes, yes. It was so good. She she got it right.’ So I find it so funny that on one hand there is a bit of a caricature, but Carolina can see the heart of that character and how well Jamie plays Carolina as well. And you know, this idea of this play, as you've said in the past, that it's a love story, but it's with you and your mom.

Ashley

Yeah, it really is. As much as my mom and I have driven each other nuts over the years… like she's been my constant, you know, the last 13 years. And even prior to that. And something has bonded us together that most parent child relationships may not have because I gained a disability later on in life and went blind and that has affected our relationship.

But let's be honest, even if I wasn't blind, my mom would still be overbearing and still would be very much up in my shit. But I couldn't imagine her any other way, I guess.

Meg

And so this episode — you know, Ashley is going through it, I think is the — we are glazing over a lot of things there. But it ends on you deciding that the main reason you're going to try is for your mom. And I'm wondering, was this a convenient arc for your story, or was this how you felt?

Ashley

Yes… and yes. It was a convenient art for the story because the story had to eventually move on at some point. But it was kind of the arc in my life, because the only other option I had was death. Like, suicide was my other option, and the only reason I didn't actually pursue it was because of what it would do to my mom.

So, like the reason that I actually was going to try and actually, you know, really have a crack at just figuring out how to get through this all was because of my mom. You know, she's been through so much as well. And like, what I do affects her, and the choices I make affect her. And so, if I couldn't do it for myself and the only other person I was going to do it for is for her.

Meg

So we're moving on to the final episode of Static. And you know, as you say, it's moving on for her and for you. What does trying look like?

Ashley

Oh, I don’t fucking know, I’m still trying to figure it out! I don't know. Let's go to the next episode and find out.

Meg

Let's do it.

Ashley

Okay! Let's… let's try.

[podcast music]

This is Static: A Party Girl's Memoir — written by me, Ashley King, and produced by Meg Wilcox.

Special thanks to Jaime Cesar, Michelle Brandenburg, Miranda Martini, Inside Out Theatre, Chromatic Theatre, and the Community Podcast Initiative at Mount Royal University for making this podcast possible.

Be sure to subscribe on Apple, Spotify, or wherever you get your podcasts — and don't forget to rate, review and tell a friend!

Find me on Instagram at ashkng or at my website, ashleyjenniferking.com.

See you for the final episode.

[podcast theme music fades]